Changes

It's been months since I last posted - almost 9 months to the day - and so, so much has changed in that time. The "Christmas miracle" of last December ended just under a month later, in a storm of betrayal and spite. For the longest time, nothing was happening - I managed to focus on school, to ignore everything else; my friends began drifting away, and we rarely saw one another outside of class. All in all, it was school-life as usual, until April.

April, when I decided once and for all that I could live without 'him'.
April, when I realized just how much my life had changed from before.
April, when I met an old friend completely by accident...and started a new chapter in my life.

It all started with a simple decision - some friends of mine were going to go backpacking over the weekend, but 'he' was going, and I didn't feel up to dealing with him 24/2. So...last minute, I decided not to go. Instead, I hung out with my mom that Sunday, helping her pack up from an art show she'd had that weekend up at the church. And it was there that everything changed...

Be it fate or coincidence, a friend of mine was there helping his grandmother pack up her quilts. We'd met back when I was a freshman in high school, and he a junior; we'd been close, but the difference in our ages - and in our classes - had tugged us apart, and we hadn't talked since he'd graduated almost two years before. But when we met that day, it was as if that time apart didn't matter.

When I saw him, that day...not to sound clichéd, but it felt like time stopped - like nothing else mattered, it was just us...

It's hard to describe the next few moments - what I was thinking, how I was feeling - so perhaps it is best if I simply skip to the end. We exchanged phone numbers - or rather, he gave me his, but forgot to ask for mine... - and promised to text later, so we could catch up on all the time we'd missed.

That next Friday, on a whim, I sent him a text - and we got to talking. We planned to meet the next day, planning to see a movie and catch up over lunch, but that simple, innocent plan became something much more. We ended up hanging out for the rest of the day, grabbing dinner together and just sitting in the back of his truck talking. And, as those things tend to be, that one night together turned into many more as we started going out.

And now, five months later, not much has changed - we're still going out and happy as can be. Sure, we have our disagreements, but we know how to deal with them, and that's what matters.

Other than that...there really isn't much to say. School's started again, and I only have 5 classes this year - a 2nd through 6th schedule, so I get out early on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays. For the moment, life is good...

Christmas Eve Eve

A friend of mine once told me, "believe in miracles, because they are the magic of Christmas." When he said that, I didn't believe him; life was crap, and I didn't think a simple holiday could change that. Of course, as if to spite me, life immediately got better the day after. That was last year; Brian told me to believe, then the next day admitted he loved me.

I find it slightly ironic - or perhaps just coincidental - that a new beginning should come now, a year after he told me that; that a new beginning should come in the form of something I had thought impossible for over two years. But a beginning came nonetheless, a new hope and light for the winter months, and things just keep getting better.



It's odd, that the smallest actions often mean more than anything else - how a smile from a friend can brighten a day more than a million-dollar gift, or a comforting hug make the darkness vanish when a trip around the world had failed. How the brush of a hand can make the cold retreat, or a friendly wave make the loneliness seem far away. How the sight of a friend and loved one can make even the most horrible day seem worth it - or the most boring day full of miracles. Often, people take these things for granted; I'm proud to say that I usually don't, although that's not through any action on my part: having grown up with few friends, each little action seems all the more precious. But when the holiday season comes, its hard not to realize just how much every little bit means.

Personally, it's the absence of school that makes these things stand out most; school is the one time I usually see my friends, so when the holidays - and winter break - come around, suddenly I'm faced with two weeks where I don't see them every day, two weeks where there's no school to dictate my schedule and ensure I get my daily dose of "friends". I can't help but realize just how much I cherish those ten minutes between classes when my friends and I can chat about whatever comes to mind, or sitting in the back of class passing notes while the teacher lectured. I never really realized how much those moments meant to me, as simple and ordinary as they are.



Okay, I'll end the aimless rant there...basically, life is amazing right now though. =] I kinda want to dance around in the rain, sing like no one's listening, I don't know. Life's just...amazing.

♥

And So Ends the Impasse

Rather than spoil the ending, I'll start from the beginning: earlier today, at lunch in fact. I was tired, so I was trying to get some rest, but now that I look back on it, my actions could easily have been seen as disappointment - gazing randomly off into space, frowning, sighing, etc. - and apparently, that's how he took it. Not just as disappointment, even - but that I was unhappy with how distant we were.

And if you don't know who 'he' is, I still won't mention names - but it's the same 'he' I've been talking about for the past who-knows-how-many posts.

So during seventh period - math - he tried to explain. He's one of those people who doesn't like extravagant displays of affection (in public - in this case, at school), and he views school as a 'work place' of sorts - where such a public display is completely inappropriate. And while that makes complete sense - it gets a little tiring to walk through the halls surrounded by couples who are being a bit too...well, affectionate - he's been confusing me so much recently that, after class, I sort of snapped.

"It shouldn't matter, should it? Because we're just friends."

While I'm not sure if that's exactly what I said, it doesn't matter too much - that's basically what I said, and the 'just-friends' part is the important section. Being the wimp I am, I immediately fled, walking quickly towards my locker...and he didn't follow.

The next three hours passed without incident...two hours of tutoring, then an hour of homework - but then he logged onto gmail, bringing up my statement and asking if I had wanted something more. After a bit of a discussion - I explained that he'd been confusing me recently, and he responded - he admitted he'd decided and wasn't sure where to go.

And, since I can't seem to explain this without completely ruining it, I'll just jump to the end:

he asked me out.


And since there really isn't anything else I can say (and because I'm incapable of typing at the moment XD) I'll end this post there.

And so ends the impasse...

An Impasse

When I thought of the title for this post, I can't help but remember where I first read the word "impasse" - at least, where I first read it and actually remembered reading it: the final chapter in Twilight. At that point (sorry for the spoilers), Bella and Edward have reached a point where neither will back down. Looking up the word on dictionary.com, I find this simple definition: "a position or situation from which there is no escape; deadlock" - which is exactly what we have reached. He doesn't want to move forward, for fear of hurting me, but to move backwards would hurt us both. So, we remain where we are: feelings revealed and on that delicate balance between friendship and something more.

When we last talked about our situation, he asked for some time to think before making his decision; that was Tuesday night. Since then, not a word of our situation has issued from either of us. Based on what he has said, therefore, I would conclude that we are still in that unsure position, our little 'impasse', moving neither forward nor backwards - stuck in limbo, you might say.

However, based on his actions, I would conclude so much differently. As we separate after school, he calls me back with open arms for a final hug goodbye; as we review formulas in math, he sits closer than is necessary, his shoulder pressing against mine in an intimate gesture of comfort; as we sit in the library, reviewing history terms, his hand slides closer to mine - then jerks away as I cast a curious glance in its direction. From his actions, I would assume that he's sure of his decision, and wants to move forward into a more-than-friends relationship.

But he hasn't said anything aloud to confirm that; am I over analyzing his actions? Searching desperately in them for something that isn't there? Maybe he doesn't realize what he's doing - maybe it's just coincidence that our arms brushed, maybe he didn't think when we hugged. Part of me whispers this, late at night - it's nothing, I'm overreacting, he still hasn't decided.

So what am I to do? Demand an answer - why he's acting one way while his words speak another? He'd just reply that he can be hypocritical sometimes, that it isn't a crime, and avoid answering directly. Ignore what he's done - pretend we're still in limbo and he's never done anything to suggest otherwise? Curiosity would kill me; I want to - no, I need to know. Do nothing for now, and wait to see if something more will happen? That path seems safest for now, because inaction - so far as I know, at least - has never hurt or ruined anything.

Or has it?

What if he is trying to hint that yes, he's decided, and is trying to judge what my decision was? By doing nothing, I might give him the wrong idea.

Or am I seeing patterns in chaos?

Maybe it really is nothing. Perhaps I'm overreacting, letting my emotions get out of hand in a desperate attempt to convince myself that, having come this far, things won't fall back to how they were.

Happy Confusion

So, after months - one might even say years - of vaguely hinting, of desperately trying to hide, of despairing that he should ever notice, much less feel the same way, I find out that he already knew. He's known for a while - since August, in fact.

When I heard this during first period today, my first response - well, second (the first being a feeling of dread and emptiness [of course he knew, now he's going to push me away...]) - was to wonder silently why he hadn't done anything. As if he'd read my mind, he answered: he didn't want to hurt me. He wanted to protect me from himself, because he feared that if we were together and had fallen apart, I would view it as betrayal and feel like everyone had abandoned me. And, looking back, that makes perfect sense, because on one level I would have felt that. He had hoped that by acting a bit distant and not encouraging me, by stifling his feelings, I would fall out of love and find someone else - never realizing that every thing he did made me love him more - despite the fact that it hurt him to do so.

Every reason I've offered up for remaining silent - his were the same, and so much more. But he went a step further - with my feelings, he guessed and I never said anything...but with his, he made them clear: "I think I love you".

So there you go, feelings on the table, no turning back now...but neither of us knows where to go from here. Emotion dictates that we get together and have fun - logic reasons we return to how it was and forget this ever happened. So far, neither of us have decided.





Slightly off topic - in light of this entire situation, I've regained my inspiration for poetry. In the past few days I've written a few, so I'll post them here, in order of creation.

Questions [working title - I don't think it fits too well...]
You confuse me with your rapid change of face
You smile and me and laugh, give me a hug,
And then you walk away.

Was it something I did? Something I said?
Am I not good enough? Did I fail?
These words run through my head.

I gave you my heart, for better or worse,
And now it’s not mine to give – it’s yours –
Yet you don’t seem to care.

Am I not enough? Am I truly so horrid?
Or did you hear a rumor from my past?
I trusted you, loved you,
I would have – already have – sacrificed it all,
Everything,
Just to be with you.

But you don’t even care, do you.


Do You Know How Hard it Is?
Do you know how hard it is?
To stand by your side,
Smiling and laughing like everything’s all right
When inside all I feel is pain –
To grin and tease
Though my eyes are red from crying all night –
To watch from afar and keep the distance
When all I want is to hold your hand, brush the hair from your eyes, hug you when things get tough

Do you know how hard it is?
To watch you try and push so hard,
Reaching for that distant goal, so far away,
Only to crash and fall and push me away –
You must not be weak or show hesitation –
To struggle and suffer, alone in your room –
You can’t tell me what’s wrong, hide it all away –
Stand alone, stand strong, in glorious independence as your heart falters and your will fails

Do you know how hard it is?
To hear from a friend what should have come from you,
Knowing you didn’t tell me because I’m “just a friend”
No more, maybe less, not as close as you claim –
Not worth your trust? You deny it quickly
But even then you tell them more –
I hear it second-hand, a vague rumor
Should I trust it or not? I can’t ask you, you won’t say, I’m not worth your time

Do you know how hard it is?
To be a friend –
Only a friend, no more;
To be your support –
Unable to help, only watch;
To hear the rumors –
Not trusted with the truth, the unworthy one;
To love you as I do –
Knowing you don’t love me back?


[[untitled]]
I thought you didn’t care,
That you thought me just a friend
(No more, and perhaps less)
And we could never be more than that.
So I hid my feelings away
And swore never to let them be seen
(To lose your friendship – that would be true hell)
Hoping maybe it would fade away.
But with your actions, you led me on,
Built up my hope that maybe, just maybe...
(Could it...? No, it can’t. But still...)
My hopes and feelings refused to sleep.
And just when hope seemed ready to die –
For the flame to flicker out, the light to darken,
(I was ready to fully let go, forget it all)
You turned to me and told me the truth.
Your silence was duly explained,
Your reasoning was sound,
(After all, mine was the same)
But the question still remained:

What are we? Having said what we felt
Are we just friends? Our reasoning says so
(After all, our silence was for protection)
Or are we something more than we used to be?
As I was then, so it seems I am now:
Confused, a bit lost, and not sure where to go
(They say that’s the story of – I won’t say it yet)
So has anything truly changed?
Perhaps I’m hoping for too quick of a change;
Such a revelation takes time to really take effect
(Though curiosity still leaves me hanging)
I yearn to know what will be.

Confused.

So last night, I spent the night at Granite Arches - a rock climbing center sort of near me - with some others from my Venturing crew and a few other crews. We were allowed to climb all night or pretty much do whatever we wanted, which was great.

But first, we had to survive a team-building obstacle course that I swear was specifically designed to haunt me. However, a close friend of mine...the guy I like...also went, so before we did the course he promised he'd help me across.

Now, I'm not a very fit person, or very thin for that matter, and I've been told - often- that I weight a lot more than I look...so when we reached a ten foot wall we had to climb over, and my friend knelt down and laced his fingers together to boost me over, it's no surprise that I freaked out and couldn't do it. [He must think I'm so pathetic...I can't get over the wall, and everyone else did just fine...] Finally, I got over, and fell - literally - down the other side. When he got across after me, I was shaking [Gods above, I hate heights] so he gave me a one-armed hug and told me I was doing great. [Oh heck no, I'm failing miserably, but you're just trying to be nice.]

The next challenge after that was climbing up a slide - a tube slide, like you'd see in a playground, the ones that are usually red or yellow for whatever reason - with flippers on your feet. My friend offered to go first, so he could help pull me up, and being the wimp I am I of course accepted his offer. So up he went, easy as could be, and it was my turn...needless to say, I slid down once or twice before getting all the way up. [Gods above, why do I have to be so pathetic...he must hate me...]

After that, most of it was fine...until we got to the rope swing. It had two knots in it - one at the bottom and one at about head-height - and you were supposed to grab it and swing across to a tilted platform about fifteen-twenty feet away.

To save a lot of needless detail, I think I failed that about fifty times, or at least ten. For the most part I just fell off, but one time I missed the platform, somehow hung on, and swung back to where I started...which is where I screwed up majorly. I figured I'd push off of the starting platform to swing back across - my friend thought he'd grab the rope, help me back up, then we could restart.

We both ended up falling over. Or rather, I fell over, he swung gracefully across then back to help others.

Of course, the people who worked there insisted that I keep trying until I got it right, which is why I busted up my knee. On my next try, when I was trying to climb back up onto the starting platform, I made the mistake of stepping on the rope knot - my foot slipped, I banged my left shin and my right knee against the platform's edge, and was given the privilege of sitting out with an ice pack on my knee. Needless to say, I think hurting myself saved me - and everyone else - from the embarrassment of watching me fail a billion more times.

After that was done, we were given pizza and set free to climb. I took a belaying class, so I could belay people up and down the rock faces (basically, I kept the rope holding them up taut so if they fell, I could lower them down slowly instead of having them crash to the ground in an explosion of blood and guts), and belayed my friend and Kaitlyn, the other girl from our crew, but we were all dead tired so we ended up sitting at some of the picnic tables and talking before heading to bed. While we were talking, my friend would usually end up talking to either Daniel, one of the other guys from our troop, or Kaitlyn, so I ended up just staring off into space and listening to their converstation.

Now for the part I left out: whenever we had to move, my friend would always turn to me and ask if I needed help since I'd hurt my knee. Most of the time, I'd just end up holding onto the wall or limping around...but the fact that he offered made me feel really happy. No one else ever offered - they all just assumed I'd figure something out, I suppose - so the fact that of all people, he offered to help me...





It's like he can't make up his mind. One moment he's being the nicest guy ever, seeming to act completely perfect, giving me half-hugs and that warm smile - and the next he's completely ignoring me as if I was never there. I don't get it - I'm confused. Are we friends? Does he want to be more? Or does he want me gone? I'm getting mixed signals and it's throwing me off. I don't know what to do anymore - should I stand close and hug him when he's down, or should I steer clear of him so he doesn't have to suffer from my presence?

I'm confused........

Guys Confuse Me.

Just yesterday - no, just last night - he insisted that he still loved her. That he would always love her, unless he forgot her, and he would never get over her.

Then, this morning during first period, he asked and said two things:

The first, relating to what I opened with, was that he thought he was over her now. Which absolutely shocked me, especially after how determined he had seemed last night

And the second? He asked why I had been crying, and what was wrong. How he knew I had been crying while helping him last night, I don't know - how he knew something had hurt me that much, he didn't say. But just the fact that he asked, that he noticed what no one else even guessed at...

How does he do it? How is it that just when I'm ready to give up - to convince myself I feel nothing more than friendship for him, or familial love - he manages to do the one thing that makes me love him even more? I know I should get past this, because all it will bring is pain...but then he does something like that.

How could I not love him, when he always seems to know what's wrong? When he always knows exactly what to do to make me smile? When he always seems to know exactly what to do to make me feel better?