A Beginning and Synopsis

Well, I'm really just testing this out for now...a recommendation from a friend, so ta-da, here I am, blogging away.

I guess the best place to start would be the beginning, so here goes:

Hello, I'm Kira (no, not really, but I'm not telling anyone my real name...). I'm sixteen years old (give or take a few months), almost 5'6", and not exactly the most beautiful or perfect person. I've had two boyfriends - more about them in a moment - and never really found a friend I could confide in whole-heartedly. I've never seen a reason for life, and that's often lead to depression and rash decisions that I still don't regret - but again, more on that later.

I have maybe one best friend, a girl I shall call Ember: I've known her since sixth grade, and although we screwed it up a bit at first (long story short, she hung out with the school's 'preps' and I was a bit of a loner; she hated me, I thought she was a bit of a bitch), we became close friends in eighth grade. Next year, she went to a different high school, and I went off to mine with not a friend in sight. Since then, we've kept in contact, but there have been quite a few times when it's nearly died. At the moment, we're in a 'good' state...I hope.

Back in fifth grade, I met Aichou online, and we became amazing friends - to be honest, our friendship saved her from killing herself, then saved me - and through her, I met her boyfriend Ryuu and his younger brother, Loki. I became close friends with Ryuu, but pretty soon Loki and I were pretty much a couple - not really, but we were really close. Unfortunately, it wasn't to last...and two years ago, something horrible happened and Aichou killed herself. Months later, I started going out with this guy at my school - Brian - and that tipped Loki over the edge. He shot himself in the head and died instantly. Ryuu, by some god-sent miracle, never blamed be for the deaths of either his girlfriend or brother, and we maintained our friendship...until he was hit by a car, just a few months ago. To be honest, they were the only people I ever thought I might possibly be able to fully trust, without holding anything back.

Brian and I started going out by accident, to be honest - I accidentally said something, and well...we got together? It was the farthest thing from a 'match made in heaven' - oh hell no. We were rocky from the start, falling apart only to come back together - and although we did have some amazing memories together, he broke it off five months later, just this last May.

Brian was boyfriend number 2 - number 1 was a year or two earlier. I was a freshman back then, thrown into a world I didn't understand, and newly bereft of my best friends - Ember was going to a different school, and Aichou had just died - and, when Jordan (a sophomore) asked me out, I didn't know how to react. So what did the stupid freshman do? YUP. She said 'sure'. I didn't know him that well - I mean, sure, we'd been in band together back in middle school - and I'd only just started hanging out in the same group. Needless to say, a few weeks later - with support from friends - I broke it off with him, telling him the truth about how I felt.

About the depression and rash decisions, I've never been the most 'stable' person. Ever since I've had friends, I've lost that stability and relied on others too much, so whenever something goes wrong, I do whatever I have to in order to feel better. Sometimes, that means cutting; there has been many a moment in my life when I honestly considered killing myself. There isn't anything to live for - yes, I'm smart, but barely more than the average kid. I have no hopes for college, because I've never done a sport or extracurricular activity; I have no leadership experience. And last but not least, I doubt I'll have the money to afford it. There's no hope for me down that path, nor any other - so why should I bother, why should I suffer through it all, just hoping for something that has little to no chance of happening? I asked that of a friend, once - why should I keep living? What do I have to live for? He couldn't answer me.

So there's my life in a nutshell, at least as it is so far...mostly. Here's what I've left out:

Back in seventh grade, a new girl transferred into my class - Anastasia. We were pretty good friends, but at the end of the year she was sent off to a boarding school, and that was the last I saw of her - until now. At the beginning of this year she came back, and is now in my Japanese class - my 'Japanese buddy', as we sometimes joke. We've relit our old friendship, and everything's been going fine...until just last week.

I happened to be walking by the band room with Jordan (yes, my ex-boyfriend...he won't leave me alone, and I'm not sure if he wants to go out again or if he's just being weird), when he said "Oh look, there's Brian, flirting with the new girl again..."

So of course, I looked over - and he was right. There was Brian...my ex-boyfriend...talking with Anastasia. Feeling hurt, I didn't say anything, just walked away - ok...ran away - to avoid the scene. Anastasia saw me, though, and during Japanese later that day she apologized, saying she hadn't wanted to say anything because we were such good friends - I'd already told her what had happened between Brian and I. So I told her it was okay...I didn't care...etc. I lied to her, I'll admit it - it did hurt, that Brian could move on so easily. But mostly, it hurt that Anastasia could find happiness where I hadn't...that she was so happy with him, that he was willing to try to make her happy, and yet I was still all alone. Yes, it was petty; yes, it was selfish. Yes, I was jealous.

Although, I have moved on - I no longer care about Brian the way I used to. The only problem is this...before Brian and I accidentally started going out, I had already liked another guy for almost a year...and throughout our relationship, I had still liked this guy. Even now, I still do - and it sucks like hell. Because he doesn't care about me that way - he likes this other girl, who's so much prettier and smarter than me. I try to brush it off, joke about how he's my 'Oniichan' (older brother, because we've been mistaken as siblings before), and he seems comfortable with that. But I know if I were to try and pursue it further, try to make something out of it, it would all crumble.

I'm not a strong person - I'm weak. Once, I could stand on my own - and then I found friends. And since this discovery of friendship, I've lost my ability to live on my own. I can't stand on my own. Sometimes, I wonder - was it the right choice, to open up and trust others? All it's really brought is pain - yes, there have been good memories, but interlaced through them all is the pain. The pain of being alone, the pain of feeling forgotten, of being left behind when they go out and have fun. The pain of truly being alone, abandoned by those you thought you could trust.

Sometimes, I wish I could go back to how I was before - I wish I could go back to being strong enough to stand on my own, not caring what others thought, able to excel and shine brightly without being distracted by the drama of relationships and the stress of making others like you.