Christmas Eve Eve

A friend of mine once told me, "believe in miracles, because they are the magic of Christmas." When he said that, I didn't believe him; life was crap, and I didn't think a simple holiday could change that. Of course, as if to spite me, life immediately got better the day after. That was last year; Brian told me to believe, then the next day admitted he loved me.

I find it slightly ironic - or perhaps just coincidental - that a new beginning should come now, a year after he told me that; that a new beginning should come in the form of something I had thought impossible for over two years. But a beginning came nonetheless, a new hope and light for the winter months, and things just keep getting better.

It's odd, that the smallest actions often mean more than anything else - how a smile from a friend can brighten a day more than a million-dollar gift, or a comforting hug make the darkness vanish when a trip around the world had failed. How the brush of a hand can make the cold retreat, or a friendly wave make the loneliness seem far away. How the sight of a friend and loved one can make even the most horrible day seem worth it - or the most boring day full of miracles. Often, people take these things for granted; I'm proud to say that I usually don't, although that's not through any action on my part: having grown up with few friends, each little action seems all the more precious. But when the holiday season comes, its hard not to realize just how much every little bit means.

Personally, it's the absence of school that makes these things stand out most; school is the one time I usually see my friends, so when the holidays - and winter break - come around, suddenly I'm faced with two weeks where I don't see them every day, two weeks where there's no school to dictate my schedule and ensure I get my daily dose of "friends". I can't help but realize just how much I cherish those ten minutes between classes when my friends and I can chat about whatever comes to mind, or sitting in the back of class passing notes while the teacher lectured. I never really realized how much those moments meant to me, as simple and ordinary as they are.

Okay, I'll end the aimless rant there...basically, life is amazing right now though. =] I kinda want to dance around in the rain, sing like no one's listening, I don't know. Life's just...amazing.


And So Ends the Impasse

Rather than spoil the ending, I'll start from the beginning: earlier today, at lunch in fact. I was tired, so I was trying to get some rest, but now that I look back on it, my actions could easily have been seen as disappointment - gazing randomly off into space, frowning, sighing, etc. - and apparently, that's how he took it. Not just as disappointment, even - but that I was unhappy with how distant we were.

And if you don't know who 'he' is, I still won't mention names - but it's the same 'he' I've been talking about for the past who-knows-how-many posts.

So during seventh period - math - he tried to explain. He's one of those people who doesn't like extravagant displays of affection (in public - in this case, at school), and he views school as a 'work place' of sorts - where such a public display is completely inappropriate. And while that makes complete sense - it gets a little tiring to walk through the halls surrounded by couples who are being a bit too...well, affectionate - he's been confusing me so much recently that, after class, I sort of snapped.

"It shouldn't matter, should it? Because we're just friends."

While I'm not sure if that's exactly what I said, it doesn't matter too much - that's basically what I said, and the 'just-friends' part is the important section. Being the wimp I am, I immediately fled, walking quickly towards my locker...and he didn't follow.

The next three hours passed without incident...two hours of tutoring, then an hour of homework - but then he logged onto gmail, bringing up my statement and asking if I had wanted something more. After a bit of a discussion - I explained that he'd been confusing me recently, and he responded - he admitted he'd decided and wasn't sure where to go.

And, since I can't seem to explain this without completely ruining it, I'll just jump to the end:

he asked me out.

And since there really isn't anything else I can say (and because I'm incapable of typing at the moment XD) I'll end this post there.

And so ends the impasse...


An Impasse

When I thought of the title for this post, I can't help but remember where I first read the word "impasse" - at least, where I first read it and actually remembered reading it: the final chapter in Twilight. At that point (sorry for the spoilers), Bella and Edward have reached a point where neither will back down. Looking up the word on dictionary.com, I find this simple definition: "a position or situation from which there is no escape; deadlock" - which is exactly what we have reached. He doesn't want to move forward, for fear of hurting me, but to move backwards would hurt us both. So, we remain where we are: feelings revealed and on that delicate balance between friendship and something more.

When we last talked about our situation, he asked for some time to think before making his decision; that was Tuesday night. Since then, not a word of our situation has issued from either of us. Based on what he has said, therefore, I would conclude that we are still in that unsure position, our little 'impasse', moving neither forward nor backwards - stuck in limbo, you might say.

However, based on his actions, I would conclude so much differently. As we separate after school, he calls me back with open arms for a final hug goodbye; as we review formulas in math, he sits closer than is necessary, his shoulder pressing against mine in an intimate gesture of comfort; as we sit in the library, reviewing history terms, his hand slides closer to mine - then jerks away as I cast a curious glance in its direction. From his actions, I would assume that he's sure of his decision, and wants to move forward into a more-than-friends relationship.

But he hasn't said anything aloud to confirm that; am I over analyzing his actions? Searching desperately in them for something that isn't there? Maybe he doesn't realize what he's doing - maybe it's just coincidence that our arms brushed, maybe he didn't think when we hugged. Part of me whispers this, late at night - it's nothing, I'm overreacting, he still hasn't decided.

So what am I to do? Demand an answer - why he's acting one way while his words speak another? He'd just reply that he can be hypocritical sometimes, that it isn't a crime, and avoid answering directly. Ignore what he's done - pretend we're still in limbo and he's never done anything to suggest otherwise? Curiosity would kill me; I want to - no, I need to know. Do nothing for now, and wait to see if something more will happen? That path seems safest for now, because inaction - so far as I know, at least - has never hurt or ruined anything.

Or has it?

What if he is trying to hint that yes, he's decided, and is trying to judge what my decision was? By doing nothing, I might give him the wrong idea.

Or am I seeing patterns in chaos?

Maybe it really is nothing. Perhaps I'm overreacting, letting my emotions get out of hand in a desperate attempt to convince myself that, having come this far, things won't fall back to how they were.


Happy Confusion

So, after months - one might even say years - of vaguely hinting, of desperately trying to hide, of despairing that he should ever notice, much less feel the same way, I find out that he already knew. He's known for a while - since August, in fact.

When I heard this during first period today, my first response - well, second (the first being a feeling of dread and emptiness [of course he knew, now he's going to push me away...]) - was to wonder silently why he hadn't done anything. As if he'd read my mind, he answered: he didn't want to hurt me. He wanted to protect me from himself, because he feared that if we were together and had fallen apart, I would view it as betrayal and feel like everyone had abandoned me. And, looking back, that makes perfect sense, because on one level I would have felt that. He had hoped that by acting a bit distant and not encouraging me, by stifling his feelings, I would fall out of love and find someone else - never realizing that every thing he did made me love him more - despite the fact that it hurt him to do so.

Every reason I've offered up for remaining silent - his were the same, and so much more. But he went a step further - with my feelings, he guessed and I never said anything...but with his, he made them clear: "I think I love you".

So there you go, feelings on the table, no turning back now...but neither of us knows where to go from here. Emotion dictates that we get together and have fun - logic reasons we return to how it was and forget this ever happened. So far, neither of us have decided.

Slightly off topic - in light of this entire situation, I've regained my inspiration for poetry. In the past few days I've written a few, so I'll post them here, in order of creation.

Questions [working title - I don't think it fits too well...]
You confuse me with your rapid change of face
You smile and me and laugh, give me a hug,
And then you walk away.

Was it something I did? Something I said?
Am I not good enough? Did I fail?
These words run through my head.

I gave you my heart, for better or worse,
And now it’s not mine to give – it’s yours –
Yet you don’t seem to care.

Am I not enough? Am I truly so horrid?
Or did you hear a rumor from my past?
I trusted you, loved you,
I would have – already have – sacrificed it all,
Just to be with you.

But you don’t even care, do you.

Do You Know How Hard it Is?
Do you know how hard it is?
To stand by your side,
Smiling and laughing like everything’s all right
When inside all I feel is pain –
To grin and tease
Though my eyes are red from crying all night –
To watch from afar and keep the distance
When all I want is to hold your hand, brush the hair from your eyes, hug you when things get tough

Do you know how hard it is?
To watch you try and push so hard,
Reaching for that distant goal, so far away,
Only to crash and fall and push me away –
You must not be weak or show hesitation –
To struggle and suffer, alone in your room –
You can’t tell me what’s wrong, hide it all away –
Stand alone, stand strong, in glorious independence as your heart falters and your will fails

Do you know how hard it is?
To hear from a friend what should have come from you,
Knowing you didn’t tell me because I’m “just a friend”
No more, maybe less, not as close as you claim –
Not worth your trust? You deny it quickly
But even then you tell them more –
I hear it second-hand, a vague rumor
Should I trust it or not? I can’t ask you, you won’t say, I’m not worth your time

Do you know how hard it is?
To be a friend –
Only a friend, no more;
To be your support –
Unable to help, only watch;
To hear the rumors –
Not trusted with the truth, the unworthy one;
To love you as I do –
Knowing you don’t love me back?

I thought you didn’t care,
That you thought me just a friend
(No more, and perhaps less)
And we could never be more than that.
So I hid my feelings away
And swore never to let them be seen
(To lose your friendship – that would be true hell)
Hoping maybe it would fade away.
But with your actions, you led me on,
Built up my hope that maybe, just maybe...
(Could it...? No, it can’t. But still...)
My hopes and feelings refused to sleep.
And just when hope seemed ready to die –
For the flame to flicker out, the light to darken,
(I was ready to fully let go, forget it all)
You turned to me and told me the truth.
Your silence was duly explained,
Your reasoning was sound,
(After all, mine was the same)
But the question still remained:

What are we? Having said what we felt
Are we just friends? Our reasoning says so
(After all, our silence was for protection)
Or are we something more than we used to be?
As I was then, so it seems I am now:
Confused, a bit lost, and not sure where to go
(They say that’s the story of – I won’t say it yet)
So has anything truly changed?
Perhaps I’m hoping for too quick of a change;
Such a revelation takes time to really take effect
(Though curiosity still leaves me hanging)
I yearn to know what will be.



So last night, I spent the night at Granite Arches - a rock climbing center sort of near me - with some others from my Venturing crew and a few other crews. We were allowed to climb all night or pretty much do whatever we wanted, which was great.

But first, we had to survive a team-building obstacle course that I swear was specifically designed to haunt me. However, a close friend of mine...the guy I like...also went, so before we did the course he promised he'd help me across.

Now, I'm not a very fit person, or very thin for that matter, and I've been told - often- that I weight a lot more than I look...so when we reached a ten foot wall we had to climb over, and my friend knelt down and laced his fingers together to boost me over, it's no surprise that I freaked out and couldn't do it. [He must think I'm so pathetic...I can't get over the wall, and everyone else did just fine...] Finally, I got over, and fell - literally - down the other side. When he got across after me, I was shaking [Gods above, I hate heights] so he gave me a one-armed hug and told me I was doing great. [Oh heck no, I'm failing miserably, but you're just trying to be nice.]

The next challenge after that was climbing up a slide - a tube slide, like you'd see in a playground, the ones that are usually red or yellow for whatever reason - with flippers on your feet. My friend offered to go first, so he could help pull me up, and being the wimp I am I of course accepted his offer. So up he went, easy as could be, and it was my turn...needless to say, I slid down once or twice before getting all the way up. [Gods above, why do I have to be so pathetic...he must hate me...]

After that, most of it was fine...until we got to the rope swing. It had two knots in it - one at the bottom and one at about head-height - and you were supposed to grab it and swing across to a tilted platform about fifteen-twenty feet away.

To save a lot of needless detail, I think I failed that about fifty times, or at least ten. For the most part I just fell off, but one time I missed the platform, somehow hung on, and swung back to where I started...which is where I screwed up majorly. I figured I'd push off of the starting platform to swing back across - my friend thought he'd grab the rope, help me back up, then we could restart.

We both ended up falling over. Or rather, I fell over, he swung gracefully across then back to help others.

Of course, the people who worked there insisted that I keep trying until I got it right, which is why I busted up my knee. On my next try, when I was trying to climb back up onto the starting platform, I made the mistake of stepping on the rope knot - my foot slipped, I banged my left shin and my right knee against the platform's edge, and was given the privilege of sitting out with an ice pack on my knee. Needless to say, I think hurting myself saved me - and everyone else - from the embarrassment of watching me fail a billion more times.

After that was done, we were given pizza and set free to climb. I took a belaying class, so I could belay people up and down the rock faces (basically, I kept the rope holding them up taut so if they fell, I could lower them down slowly instead of having them crash to the ground in an explosion of blood and guts), and belayed my friend and Kaitlyn, the other girl from our crew, but we were all dead tired so we ended up sitting at some of the picnic tables and talking before heading to bed. While we were talking, my friend would usually end up talking to either Daniel, one of the other guys from our troop, or Kaitlyn, so I ended up just staring off into space and listening to their converstation.

Now for the part I left out: whenever we had to move, my friend would always turn to me and ask if I needed help since I'd hurt my knee. Most of the time, I'd just end up holding onto the wall or limping around...but the fact that he offered made me feel really happy. No one else ever offered - they all just assumed I'd figure something out, I suppose - so the fact that of all people, he offered to help me...

It's like he can't make up his mind. One moment he's being the nicest guy ever, seeming to act completely perfect, giving me half-hugs and that warm smile - and the next he's completely ignoring me as if I was never there. I don't get it - I'm confused. Are we friends? Does he want to be more? Or does he want me gone? I'm getting mixed signals and it's throwing me off. I don't know what to do anymore - should I stand close and hug him when he's down, or should I steer clear of him so he doesn't have to suffer from my presence?

I'm confused........


Guys Confuse Me.

Just yesterday - no, just last night - he insisted that he still loved her. That he would always love her, unless he forgot her, and he would never get over her.

Then, this morning during first period, he asked and said two things:

The first, relating to what I opened with, was that he thought he was over her now. Which absolutely shocked me, especially after how determined he had seemed last night

And the second? He asked why I had been crying, and what was wrong. How he knew I had been crying while helping him last night, I don't know - how he knew something had hurt me that much, he didn't say. But just the fact that he asked, that he noticed what no one else even guessed at...

How does he do it? How is it that just when I'm ready to give up - to convince myself I feel nothing more than friendship for him, or familial love - he manages to do the one thing that makes me love him even more? I know I should get past this, because all it will bring is pain...but then he does something like that.

How could I not love him, when he always seems to know what's wrong? When he always knows exactly what to do to make me smile? When he always seems to know exactly what to do to make me feel better?


I Can't Do This Anymore

Gods above, just shoot me now - let me die, don't make me go through this. I love him - I love him so, so much. And when he falls apart like this, reaching for her, I can't help but break down. I'm his friend - so I have to be there for him, support him, comfort him, offer support for him when things go wrong.

But gods, why does it have to be like this? They've been broken up for months - almost ten months now - and he still can't move on, won't move on. He still loves her, even after all this time. And when I ask him what's wrong, why he's looking so down, he tells me...everything. And all I can do is help him, support him, give him a smile and tell him it'll be all right, try and help him patch things up with her...

...even though every word I say tears at my heart, making me shake with tears and clouding my vision.

Every time the subject's brought up - whether in passing conversation or in a deep, heart-wrenching confession like now - I tell myself, "I'm not going to do this to myself anymore. Either I tell him now, or I get over him." And every time, I make a promise to myself - I won't talk to him until I get it figured out.

And every time, something happens - he gives me that special smile, we pass in the hallways and he calls out, he asks if we can work together on math notes - and my heart melts once more, completely under his unknowing control.


Curse of Dreams

I don't usually post this early, but I woke up a few hours ago and haven't been able to sleep. I'm tired as heck, the light hurts my eyes, my brain's far from 'awake', and sleep refuses to come. My dreams haunt me, chasing me, and won't let me get a decent rest.

It wasn't always this way: once, my dreams were simplistic. I would be sitting in a tree, watching the sun set, or on a beach watching the ocean, or by a window watching the rain. But over time, people joined me: first Sarah, sitting nearby and chattering, then Anh and Tiffany would be standing nearby talking, then...him. Once he entered my dreams, he never left, and the simplicity was forced into complexity.

While the simple dreams let me sleep and truly rest, they vanished from my mind moments after I woke - but these new complex dreams force my mind to stay awake, burning their vivid details into my memory and refusing to let me forget.

I wish I could forget them.

It's gotten to the point now where I don't mind going to bed early, even if I don't get any sleep, because my dreams are so much happier than reality - in my dreams, he's always there, and in reality he doesn't seem to care. In dreams, I can smile and laugh, and in reality those self-same actions are lies. In dreams...

It's like an Evanescence song I once heard, "Cloud Nine": "I'm not afraid to dream, to sleep, sleep forever." It goes on to say "guess it wasn't real after all, guess it wasn't real all along...In a dream, will you give your love to me? Beg my broken heart to beat, save my life - change my mind." Which is exactly what my dreams have become...an 'alternate reality' I can escape to whenever reality tries to break me - an alternate reality where everything is perfect, and he is always waiting. I know it isn't healthy to look at dreams this way, but it's true: my happiness exists in dreams.


Roller Coaster?

Wow. Yesterday was crap. Today was...well, not amazing - but very close to it. There were two main points that really mattered, so I'll just skip the rest.

Okay: so one, there was a blood drive at school today. I was able to sign up (I'm finally old enough!!), so I donated today...I was waiting like two, close to three hours though O_x missed all of fifth period (Japanese), all of lunch, and part of seventh (Math Analysis). And now I can't bend my elbow because of the bandage stuff, so it was really hard to write the notes in math...but the guy who sits in front of me, who is the most amazing guy ever, was nice and helped with some of it.

Which brings me to point two: said most amazing guy is even more amazing than I can even try to explain. For one, during math he was really helpful...he let me press my hands against his back because I was freezing - the small gym, where they did the drive, was seriously a freezer - and he didn't complain or anything even though his back had to have been getting cold, and he helped me erase some stuff I'd gotten wrong (if I clench my right hand, the place they stuck the needle in really hurts), and he kept glancing back at me to ask if I was okay, if I was warm enough, etc., and he was...well, just the most amazing friend ever. And THEN, as if that wasn't enough...well, actually, the majority of this happened earlier, before I'd given blood. At break, he asked if I was "one of them" and had seen Twilight last night, to which I replied I hadn't and probably wouldn't be seeing it because all my friends were busy, mom didn't want to drive me over if I was going to see it by myself, etc. And he, being the amazing person he is, offered to see it with me! I was stubborn, really, and kept saying it was okay, I didn't want to torture him (he'd been saying the day before in AP Bio that he just flat-out wasn't interested in seeing the movie) but after math, I asked if he had been serious about that offer...he said he had...so now we're going to see it next weekend!

And that pretty much summarizes the main points of my day. So now, I shall go curl up on the couch with a random book, turn the radio up, and hum random songs to myself as I sip a cup of hot chocolate.

Or I would, except I'm about to head out to a write-in and dinner for NaNoWriMo - one of the ML's (Municipal Liaisons) for the Sacramento area is having her birthday today, so we're all heading out to dinner to celebrate - and therefore cannot curl up and read and sip hot chocolate right now. Darn...


Falling Apart yet again

I don't even know where to start, I'm so scattered and stressed right now. I guess the least-stressful thing would be best.

So I mentioned in the last post how a friend recommended asking the guy I like if he wanted to see Twilight, right? Well, I mentioned it to another friend, so she agreed to help me ask...so today during AP Bio she brought up the subject - and he basically said he wasn't interested in seeing the movie at all. So that sorta killed it there: if he's not interested, I'm not going to ask.

Then today, when I got home, my dad was in a really bad mood, so he's been yelling at everyone and generally making everyone tense and on edge. Basically, the situation at home is bad. I can't wait to go off to college, to get the heck out of this house and finally be free from my dad's controlling grasp. I literally can't do anything without his permission; it's suffocating me.

And the one person who could help me feel better, who could help me pull my life together, who could make me feel as if there's still some good reason for living beyond just getting good grades and going to college and getting a job and blah blah blah - the one person who could make all this mean something to me doesn't care.


Torn Between Risk and Safety

So here's how it is: either I risk it all - his friendship and my current circle of friends - on the slim chance that he might like me back, or I play it safe and remain silent.

But god, it's so hard when people are always asking me, "Are you going out with him?" and I'm forced to hold back the despairing sigh and reply "No, we're just friends."

It's so hard when the more intuitive of those people say, "But you wish you were" and I'm forced to either tell the truth and nod, or lie to their face - and to myself.

And god, it freaking sucks when that person then says "You know, I always seem to be the matchmaking fairy godmother. Okay, here's what you do..." and gives me some advice. And why does it suck? Because even though their advice is absolutely wonderful, even though it's completely perfect, it's flawed in one major way: I'm not bold enough to do half of what they say. People always tell me, "Well, just tell him" - can't, I'm a wimp and I don't want to ruin our friendship. They say, "Okay then, see if he'll see a movie/study/go shopping/etc. with you" - again, I can't, because again, I'm a wimp, and I doubt he'd want to do anything with me anyways. Usually their third bit of advice either involves them telling him for me, or some complex and completely unrealistic situation in which he somehow miraculously realizes he loves me to, and blah blah blah - basically your standard Disney story.

One of the only really practical bits of advice I've heard was something a friend brought up yesterday - or rather, two ideas she had.

1 - "Well, see if he'll go to the Winter Ball with you and some of your friends." My only complaint against this is that I'd have to ask, and I'd inevitably screw it up somehow, and my only real argument against it is that most of my friends already have boyfriends...so it would be kind of awkward.

2 - "OH! He should go see Twilight with us!" Again, I'm not about to ask; last time we talked about it, he seemed really reluctant, so I doubt he'd want to go with my friend and I. Unfortunately...

So I'm going to go on being a wimp and saying nothing, playing it safe, even though he keeps telling me that the greatest risk brings the greatest reward (yeah, he actually said that today, although it was about offering my opinion on a history worksheet we were doing), and looking for the for dummies book on love and relationships.


Lost, Confused...

I don't know what to do. How I feel...it's not just a crush, not just a 'like' - it's more than that. It's gotten to the point where I can physically feel my heart leap when he comes into my sight, even if he doesn't say anything, where just hearing his voice makes me feel calm. It's gotten to the point where it hurts to think that something I did might have hurt him, or made him think less of me - and it makes me so happy, almost unbearably happy, to hear him compliment me.

I don't know how much longer I can do this, pretending to feel only friendship, when to call my feelings only friendship would be such an understatement. I don't know how much longer I can handle this, when my heart stutters every time our shoulders accidentally brush. I don't know how much longer I can live like this, when whenever he stands close enough to me for me to be able to feel his warmth, my heart stumbles then races, when his mere presence is a balm to my pain.

And every time he looks at me with that calculating look in his eyes, asking questions and trying to get me to tell him why there's a difference between how I act towards Daniel and how I act towards him, to tell him what it was I told him before that he's forgotten - every time, I long so much to just tell him, to repeat those words I emailed to him two Aprils ago. I want to say something, but I know if I do things will inevitably become awkward again, and this time - this time, I don't know if we'd get past it again.

Last time, he relaxed once I started going out with Brian, because he believed that my feelings for him had become only friendship. And for a long time, I tried to convince myself of that - but I couldn't. Even as I professed my love for Brian, a part of my heart laughed at my lies. I elevated mere friendship to something more in my attempt to forget my feelings for him, but in the end it wasn't enough - because I still...

I still love him.



There's only one real point to this post, and that's to document this amazing dream I had last night. Just a warning.

It was simple, really - nothing completely abnormal or impossible, just two people on Earth. There was me, and there was a guy - a guy who sometimes wore glasses, sometimes didn't, who sometimes was the most annoying person ever, yet sometimes was the nicest friend, who sometimes seemed cold and heartless, yet sometimes was the softest shoulder to cry on. The dream itself didn't really have a "plot line", to be honest; it was just a few scenes, a few short scenes, that really left an imprint on my memory: our hands would brush, and he would slip his fingers around mine; I would show him something on a calculator, and he would come up behind me to see it, resting his warm hands on my shoulders; I would yawn tiredly, and he would slip his arm around my waist and let me rest my head on his shoulder; he would smile and laugh, and I would have the strongest urge to hug him; he would say goodnight and walk away slowly, and I would wish I had the self-confidence to go after him and give him a hug, a kiss on the cheek perhaps, and whisper goodnight in return.

Simple images, the sort of images one might see on a day to day basis just walking around the campus at school.

And yet, when I woke up this morning, my alarm clock blaring its siren-like wailing, my cheeks were wet with tears at the thought that, as simple as those images were, they would never become reality.


A New Beginning of Sorts

Well, here I go again. The past few days have been a bit enlightening for me (I'll explain in a moment) and they've helped me realize - no, remember - to take a step back and not get too emotionally involved in the world around me. You see, I'm a really emotional person; the slightest thing makes me cry, and sometimes I get the irresistible urge to just blow up, to scream and shout and throw things and just let it all out. And because I'm so emotional, I tend to get too involved in day to day life and forget that there's more to life than just high school.

As for what caused this enlightenment, there are a few reasons - but one stands out above them all, as much for its effect as for its simplicity. Yesterday after school, I had to walk to the county library so I could tutor some people, and a friend was heading there as well so he offered to walk with me.

What we said, what we did, that doesn't matter so much; what sticks in my mind is how I felt. While I wouldn't go so far as to say that it was a once-in-a-lifetime experience, how I felt during those ten or twenty minutes is something I haven't felt in a while. For once, I felt...at peace. Or rather, not at peace, just...I wasn't freaking out about a test, or the tons of homework I had, or how it felt like my life was falling apart. I was just existing, just living and taking life as it came, laughing at his jokes and making a few of my own, chatting about how so-and-so was, how such-and-such a teacher was horrible, just...talking. And it felt good.

I tried explaining this to a friend, but I don't think she understood; maybe this sort of experience is the sort of thing that only a few people really have. So now, sitting at my computer and stressing over the tons of homework I have due tomorrow, I close my eyes and think back to those few minutes, when life was simple and straightforward, when love and hate meant nothing, when all that mattered was that we were alive and could still make bad jokes.

So, although I think I've said this before, I'm going to try just restarting my life and remembering that day. I'll take it as it comes, freak out with friends when we have a test in five minutes, laugh with friends when something good happens, cry with friends when things go wrong, and never let my emotions get tied to my life.


Confused, Lost, and Hurt

I don't know what to do - that's the short and simple version of what I'm going to say. I'm confused, I'm lost, and I have no clue what to do. It hurts, having to wake up every day and force a smile, a laugh - because I know if I don't, he'll worry. It hurts, having to wake up every day and pretend to be just a friend, a 'younger sister' - because I care so much more than that. It hurts, having to wake up every day and know that he'll never care for me the way I care for him - because I know in his eyes I can never be anything but a friend. And it hurts, having to wake up every day and know all this, and yet still smile and laugh - because if I slip up once, everything will come crashing all around me.

I am not a strong person, either physically, mentally, or emotionally - this I know. I will never be the kind of person who can do anything they want to just by wanting to do it, the kind of person who can stand up for what they believe in even when everyone else is against them, the kind of person who can keep going even when they feel like crap. I am the kind of person who can only do things through the aid of others, the kind of person who needs the support of others to stand at all - much less stand strong, the kind of person who collapses and gives in at the first sign of opposition. I am weak, and this I know.

When it feels as if things are not going right, I cannot keep going. When it feels as if my friends are gone, I cannot stand tall. When it feels as if I am alone, I cannot live. It hurts far too much, and I cannot handle the pain.

But what hurts the most is being unable to tell anyone about this. I cannot truly open up to anyone, and tell them how much I really need them, how much I rely on them as my friend, how much I trust them. Instead, I have to go through life living a lie - forcing a smile. Forcing a laugh. Pretending everything's okay. Pretending everything's all right. Hiding away my pain. Hiding away my fears. Lying with a smile, a laugh, to those I have promised truth.

I am a pathetically weak person.

I long to throw off my weaknesses, to stand strong and alone and free without the chains of inability. I wish so much I did not need the support of others. But mostly, I wish so much I did not fear love even as I long for it.

Because really, that is the root of my problems. When I was younger - in elementary school - I was an outcast. A victim, not a leader. A hated child. My parents did not pay attention to me. My only friend betrayed me, stabbed me in the back. My classmates used me for homework help, then called me names, cursed me, lied about me - they spread rumors behind my back, said I was diseased and any who talked to me would be cursed forever.

It did not get much better in middle school. The rumors became scathing nicknames, curse words that unfortunately were similar to my own name; the physical bullying became mental ignorance and unveiled hatred. And yet, as before, there was nothing to do. I gained a friend in eighth grade, true, but the damage had already been done: I had found a cure in physical, self-inflicted pain, and that curse has never left me.

It followed me to high school, where I was yanked away from my one friend and thrown into a new cage of lions. I was alone and friendless yet again, and allowed myself to be taken in by older kids who seemed to know how I felt. Two proclaimed to love me within months - yet I chose to go with the one who had asked first, despite the fact that I harbored some small feelings for the other and truly loved a third - my first real love. It proved to be a choice I would regret forever.

The one I chose was violent, and he often came close to beating me - he would shake me, hit me, threaten me, and all but force himself on me. Although I managed to break up with him within the month, the damage was done - he would never stop pursuing me, while the other boy, the one I had perhaps liked, was going out with another girl, the one I loved was still with his longtime girlfriend, and I was doomed never to find lasting happiness.

Although I did find happiness for five short months this past year, it proved to be yet another lie, and it ended as quickly as it had begun. And yet still, I had not outrun the love I felt for the third boy, the one who became my closest friend, my 'older brother'. To this day, I still love him - yet he does not love me, or even like me. To him, I am just a friend - just his 'younger sister' - and I know that will never change.

Yet no matter how much I try to hate him - or at least like him only as a friend - I cannot. He is nice to me, when my life's story has been one of hatred and insults. He gives me smiles and comfort, where others gave me glares and beatings. He gives me hope, where others gave me despair. He gives me life, where others gave me death. Yet he will never give me the one thing I still need, because I am just a friend.

I know I am not beautiful, or pretty, or cute, or adorable, or even lovable; I know I am not smart, or intelligent, or quick of wit. I know he will never love me.

So why do I keep hoping? Why do I keep hurting myself like this, building up hope when it will only crumble? Why can't I let him go?

He gave me a hope for the future, but now he gives me crushed dreams.



In my life, there are very few decisions I regret making; and of those, even fewer did I regret even as I made them. Yet tonight I regret what I did - or rather what I did not do - so much that it hurts my heart. I wish I had had the courage to go after him, to give him a hug and whisper "good night", but I didn't - I merely gave him a weak smile.

You see, a close friend of mine asked me earlier this week if I wanted to see the school play with him. Of course, I said yes - a mutual friend of ours was in it, and I really liked this guy so I enjoyed doing anything with him. So tonight, we saw the play - and it was rather good, although the showing on Thursday was much better - and afterward we gave our friend a hug, congratulated her, and all that. Yet after we made our way through the crowds to the parking lot, it was time for us to part; he said he had to go, and said goodnight. And in that moment, my heart literally clenched: as he walked away, I wanted so much to step forward, to give him a hug, to whisper "goodnight" in return, to do something to show him how I feel...yet I couldn't. I stood there, shivering, as I watched him leave, and I did nothing.

I wish I had stepped forward. I wish I had gone after him. I wish I had not hesitated, that I had moved forward and slipped my arms around him, told him goodnight and wished him sweet dreams.

I regret my inaction, for it made my heart hurt all the more at our parting.



Okay, this is really annoying. I'm writing some stuff for NaNoWriMo (actually, I'm at a write-in at the It's a Grind off East Bidwell) and it's making me contemplate myself and things I've done.

For example:

In the current scene, the main male character (MMC for future reference) is hoping that the Captain of the Guard (CotG) will believe his claims of innocence to a crime that has recently happened, and not just assume he's guilty because his lifelong friend admitted to committing the crime. So right now, the MMC is sitting in a room, waiting for CotG to come and talk to him and hopefully give him some money. And of course, as I'm writing this, the first thing that pops into my head is none other than a scene from yesterday (from my life, not the story). As I mentioned in my last post, yesterday we were allowed to have partners for the multiple choice section of the APUSH exam.

All my friends paired up with other people for the exam, but what hurt the most was that the guy who sits in front of me - someone I consider to be my best friend, someone I look up to and respect, someone I...well, someone who is very important to me, perhaps more important to me than my other friends - but what hurt the most was that he chose to work with someone else, leaving me to work alone. I'll admit, I could have had a partner, one of the others who didn't have anyone to work with, but when I get hurt I get stubborn - it's one of my flaws. So I was stubborn and insisted I was fine on my own, all the while trying not to cry and act like a broken-hearted fool.

And afterwards, he tried to tell me that he had wanted to work with me - that he had been turning around to ask if I wanted to work with him when another friend jumped in and said they should work together - but I didn't listen. I was hurt, and when I'm hurt I tend not to really think about what I was doing; I told him I understood why he had worked with the other friend, that I understood his grade was more important to him than me, that I understood. And all that time, I was crying inside, because it hurt - but that is no excuse for what I did. Rather than listening to him and giving him the benefit of the doubt, I ignored him and assumed that, because it looked like he had wanted to work with the other friend, he did not want to work with me. And, as I sit here writing this scene - in which one of my own characters is having their innocence decided based on the whims of another - I fully realize how selfish my actions were.

While things have settled down - in fact, today we acted as if nothing had happened - I know that doesn't make it okay for me to just ignore what happened. If I could, I would go back in time, tell him that I believed him and it was okay - but I can't. What's done is done, and I can't change the past. Before now, I never really realized how permanent actions and words are - how scarring they can be, even when they're meant in jest. I never stopped to think how much my words might hurt others, how they might scar a friendship permanently, how they might ruin the life of another, even though I've experienced all those things firsthand. I guess I just never stopped to think about it. But now, when it really matters - when I've hurt and insulted my closest friend, and perhaps ruined the only chance we had - now, I can't do anything to fix it.

Oh, and there's a musician here who was playing guitar earlier, but now is playing a little recorder-like thing, and his music sounds just like something from the Shire.

My life is becoming a fantasy story - oh the horror. Oh the fear. Oh the awesomeness. Oh the I don't know what I'm saying.

Confused and Not Loving It

Yeah...I've had an interesting week, to say the least. I don't even know where to start, so I'm just gonna throw things out, bullet-point-style, and hope I get everything right (if not in order):
  • Okay. So NaNoWriMo started last Saturday, which was awesome. NaNoWriMo, or National Novel Writing Month, is a creative writing challenge: write 50,000 words in one month. There's a website and everything for it, forums for procrastinating, write-ins where NaNoers meet up to write and procrastinate and drink coffee and whatnot together, word wars - it's awesome.

  • I had a crapload of tests this week: mini-quizzes every day and a chapter test today in Math Analysis, a chapter test in AP Prob and Stats yesterday, a unit exam and in-class essay in AP US History yesterday, and a Spanish test on Wednesday. Needless to say, I'm pretty burnt out, and thank god it's the weekend finally.

  • Freaky-creepy-stalker-rapist-dude won't leave me alone again. I tried telling him earlier this week to leave me alone, but yesterday at lunch he started following me again. I SWEAR, I'M GOING TO FREAKING KILL HIM! I was really emotionally unstable, so I swear I just hid in Mr. Ness's room the whole time and...well, broke down. Annie was nice enough to let me cry on her shoulder and offered to be my emotional support for when I "kick Jordan's ass".

  • As for why I was emotionally unstable...okay, the whole Jordan-problem-thing resurfaced during lunch, which was right after fourth period - and I have AP English fourth period, but to freak us out my history and English teachers decided to switch the periods, so we had AP US History (and the unit exam and essay) fourth period then English sixth period. And, to be nice, the history teacher said we could do the multiple choice part of the exam with a partner...and guess who ended up working alone because all her friends wanted to work with each other: me. That really hurt, because they didn't even say anything about it - they didn't even say 'sorry' or anything, just left me to figure something out. Afterwards, Kevin swore he had been about to turn around and ask if I had wanted to work with him but Daniel had said they should work together, but...I don't know. For some reason, it's really hard to believe him; for the past few weeks, our relationship has been sort of on-again, off-again, and...I'm not sure if we'll ever be as close as we used to be. It's like there's this huge gap between us: before, we had a wide, stable bridge pretty much making the gap non-existant, but now that bridge has completely crumbled, and all we're left with is a rickety rope bridge that sometimes is there, and sometimes isn't. Sometimes, it feels like we're the closest friends ever, like everything's awesome and amazing and perfect, and sometimes it's like I can't even talk to him because I feel like he won't listen. And...I'm scared. Because I thought this whole thing was over, I thought we had gotten past the bumps in our friendship, and now this: I don't want to, but I doubt his honesty. I want to believe he was telling the truth; I want to believe that he really wanted to work with me, and not Daniel...but I can't.
So there's my past week in a rather large nutshell. I'm feeling so, so lost right now, and I don't know where to go; I'm scared, I'm worried, I'm lonely, and I don't know what to do.

I feel honestly, truly alone.


Ah, Whatever.

Okay, so I'm not giving up on my goal just yet...I've just realized that maybe I was a little wrong. Yes, I do have some friends who are really just acquaintances, but I also do have friends who won't let me ditch them...for better or worse. Part of me is grateful for this, even though I'm not too sure whether that bodes ill or good for the future.

Though really, the main reason I'm writing now is because of this guy at school. See, we've been friends for ages (not quite, only two or three years really), and for the past month he's been dating (maybe?) this girl - they went to Homecoming together last weekend. All last week, and for the week or two before that, he'd been almost completely ignoring me and always hanging out with that girl - but now that Homecoming's over, he never hangs out with her. He's gotten really curious about the smallest things and refuses to give up on finding the answers, so he's always asking me questions like "What was that note you and Anh were passing in AP Bio?" or "Where'd you get that necklace?". I've tried asking him what happened, but all he'll tell me is that Homecoming was horrible (except for the dinner - he says that was great), and absolutely nothing happened - or is happening - between him and that girl. It's sort of bugging me now - I mean, before he was pretty much never around, always with her, and now he's always nearby. Before, he'd ditch me at break to talk to her - now, he'll walk with me to class and we'll chat until the bell rings. Before, he'd vanish at lunch to talk to her - now, he's always hanging out with our 'old' group in the library. Before, he'd ignore his other friend and me during math (or any other class) to sit and talk with her - now...well, you get the idea.

It's sort of bugging me - were they really just together for that one dance, or did something happen? I get the feeling it's the latter, because my friend, at least, seemed really into her before, and now it's as if nothing ever happened. A friend of mine was speculating that they didn't think the girl really liked him - that she only agreed to go to be nice; another friend thinks she blew him off during the dance. All I know is something happened, and he won't tell me. It makes me wonder - once upon a time, he trusted me with nearly everything, or at least I thought he did and he claimed he did, and now he can't seem to trust me with this. Were we ever as close friends as we thought we were? If we were, then what happened? Why doesn't he trust me anymore?


...And Giving Up on Pulling it Together

Needless to say, the subject/title says it all: the week or so since I last posted haven't been very good. There isn't much to say, really; everything's just been downhill, and my fingers are torn from trying to cling to the sheer cliff I've fallen off of. Even this past weekend, which was supposed to be uplifting, was dismal. Although I admit I had fun Friday night, watching movies and 'gossiping' with Tiffany and Kristen, there was something missing - and Saturday night/Sunday morning, when we had a family reunion for my grandparents' fiftieth anniversary, what was missing became clear: I didn't belong. Not with Kristen and Tiffany, some of my only friends; not with my cousins, with my aunt and uncles, with my grandparents; not even with my own family. I won't go so far as to say there isn't anywhere that I belong, but I'm sure of one thing: I don't belong here. Once, I found comfort and peace among the friends I have now, but things have changed, and that comfort has turned to pain; that peace has turned into an inner war. I know that as things are now, I cannot just up and leave, find a new place, experiment to find a new niche, but I still cannot help but gaze yearningly towards those years after high school, when I will be free - free to do as I will with my life, to go to college and meet new people, to become who I am and not who others want me to be. My eyes are locked onto that future goal, my heart and soul reaching for that freedom that is just beyond my grasp...and there is naught of me left to cling to what I have now.

This weekend, my loneliness - my solitude and outcastedness - has allowed me to come to these conclusions and more. I have realized many things about myself, about my friends, and about the deeper meanings of the word "friendship" - deeper meanings I have never sought out, meanings I never knew existed, meanings I have never experienced myself. As much as it pains me to think it, I have realized that the friendships I hold now are merely superficial, people I cling to because I fear being alone. I have set a goal for myself now: to face that fear of loneliness and conquer it, to let go of those friends whom I cling to out of solitude and not out of true friendship, and to cast off the chains of those who would seek to make me into who they want me to be.

Having come to this realization, a part of me trembles at the thought of actually completing my goal; while my friends may be that in name alone, I still do not wish to hurt them, and I worry they won't understand why I have chosen what I have. But there is a voice inside me, a flicker of light, that assures me that this is truly the best path, for both myself and for them. I have led them on for long enough - it is time I told them the truth.

I am not a loving person at heart; I merely appear that way out of fear of loneliness. Now, I will take my life into my own hands and cast off that fear.

Maybe then, I can truly shine...


Falling Apart

I can't do this anymore. Things just aren't the same; everything I have relied on, everything I have trusted, everything I have believed and built my life upon - it's all falling apart, changing, leaving me alone and adrift without anything for support.

I've stood alone before - been unsupported, abandoned and alone, unwanted and unneeded, forgotten, ignored. I remember how it feels - remember and fear it. When I came to high school, I came with the full knowledge that I had a close friend who supported me, even if she was far away. And although that friend is still with me, our relationship has grown distant and strained. We still talk - but rarely, and never with the ease we used to have.

Since her, my first true friend, I have had many other close friends...and yet each has always left, abandoned me for someone else. Always I have been cast aside, unwanted, replaced by someone else.

And now, it's happening again: the friend I hold as most previous is being pulled away by another, and I am once again forgotten.

Nothing ever changes...


Hating Life

Ergh...I hate guys. And how they always manage to complicate things. And how oblivious they are. And...I don't know what to say. Things are so confusing, so hectic, so out of control right now. I guess I'll just try to retell it from the beginning.

So I've said how this guy I like has been ignoring me for the past few weeks, right? The only times we've talked, it's been because he needs help on math, or because we're working on a history thing together - always about school, nothing else. Then yesterday, he asked the girl he likes to Homecoming, and after that he completely ignored me for the rest of the day. Well, today we happened to meet up before first period, and I was listening to loud music so I didn't hear him the first few times he said 'Hi'. Finally, he poked me and asked if I was purposefully ignoring him.

I don't know why - ok, I kind of do - but that just set me off; feeling really pissed, I snapped - none too kindly - "At least I'm not ignoring everyone all the time."

Needless to say, that kind of killed the conversation for a while. Nevertheless, he kept shooting me worried looks for the first part of first period, which I ignored, until he finally wrote something on a piece of paper and passed it to me.

I won't copy what we said on there - it's personal, private, and some of the things were rather special... - but basically he said he was sorry and wanted to know what he had to do to make things go back to how they were, to which I said there was no way to return to the past. We argued over that for a while, until finally we got onto the subject of what he'd done that had messed things up. He denied ever letting me down, but I told him to think about it for a while, and guess what his first response was?

"Did you want me to ask you to the dance?"

Oh wow. I swear, my mind froze at that question - I mean, yeah, I really like him, as more than a friend and all - but he's never exactly been too knowledgeable when it comes to noticing things like that (I should know; I've liked him for two whole years, and this is the first I've heard anything suggesting anything more than friendship). Regaining my voice - and my lost mind - I answered, "I know better than to hope for something that will never happen."

I have no clue how he took that, but the conversation died there as the teacher started saying something. (You know, the sort of 'something' that no one really listens to.)

After that, we had to rush off to third period - there wasn't any break between the two - but before I went into my class, he gave me a sort of half-hug and said "Thanks for giving me a second chance."

Wow, was today a day of surprises! I have no clue what I said; all I know is my heart was racing. I stumbled into my classroom, collapsing eagerly into my chair as my knees gave out. And no, I'm not exaggerating; I literally could not stand. I wondered why he'd done that all period, and when class got out, he had another guess as to what he'd done to let me down. This one was a bit more realistic, more along the lines of what I thought he'd guess: he asked if it was because he had been ignoring me for the past week except to talk about math.

Well, duh! Most people - girls especially - hate being ignored. Sometimes, he can be absolutely oblivious, I swear...

He said he'd stop ignoring me and not talk about math anymore (he even caught himself when, two minutes later, he started to ask a question about the previous night's homework), but that didn't last too long; we passed by the group his date hung out with, and he vanished to talk to her.

Not much happened for the rest of the day...although I did have front-row seats in a makeout session between Brian and his new girlfriend. Oh joy.

Seeing that actually really hurt, to be honest. It hurt a lot more than I thought it would; I honestly broke down and started crying. A friend of mine noticed and came over to sit next to me, asking what was wrong, and he started ranting about how Brian was, well, insert-insult-of-choice-here. It was really therapeutic, but it didn't get rid of all the pain; the minute I got home, I swear I broke down and just cried for a half hour straight. I hate being emotional...


Black Hole

Ergh. I really don't want to think about life right now - much less school. But of everything, there is no way in hell I want to think about relationships. Unfortunately, I can't seem to get away from those nasty little problems, so here I am, ranting about how I don't want to think about life, school, or relationships.

To make a long, drawn-out, complicated, and rather confusing story short: the guy I like asked the girl he likes to Homecoming today. And, if I had wanted to, I could have convinced him not to quite easily - he kept asking during first period if I thought he was making the right choice. For crying out loud, WHY THE HELL WAS HE ASKING ME?! Ergh. This probably isn't coming out too clearly, but it works. Anyways, the guy I like asked the girl he likes to Homecoming, and she accepted. All that really means is a) I'm a loser and fail miserably at life (which is sort of a given), b) they're both really happy in that whole love thing, and c) I'm being absolutely ignored 24/7 because, now that he has a girlfriend, he doesn't need a girl friend. (If that doesn't make sense, read it again. Still not make sense? Well, here, I'll explain: He has a girlfriend now, which makes me, his friend who just happens to be a girl, completely null. Void. Useless. Insert whatever word you want here.)

All that essentially adds up to one big ball of I-hate-life.

Oh, and did I mention? Ex-boyfriend number 1 (Jordan) refuses to get the idea that just MAYBE I'd like to be left alone for once. He keeps following me around, EVERYWHERE, and making up all this crap about how he doesn't mind being late to class if it means he gets to hang out with me. And for some stupid reason, he seems to think I'm his 'Best Friend' - what the heck? He doesn't even know anything about me!

Needless to say, I'm fed up with life. It sucks. I'm tired of trying. And for fuck's sake, I'm tired of being the 'last resort', the person everyone else thinks they can turn to when everything else is gone. I'm tired of being forgotten and ignored, then suddenly talked to because someone needs help on math homework, or so-and-so doesn't know if they should ask so-and-so out. I'm tired of being alone. I'm tired of being hurt, of being pushed aside, discarded without a thought when someone else is found who can fill the place I once held better. I'm tired of having no real friends I can talk to and hang out with and just be myself with; I'm tired of having to pretend to be someone I'm not around everyone just because the person I really am is 'unacceptable' to them.

I'm tired of everything. I just want it to end...



Wow. To skip any decent intro (because I can't think of one...), apparently my AP Biology class is going to do the same lab as Bella and Edward in Twilight (Stephanie Meyer). You know, the one with white fish blastula and onion cells? Yeah. So a friend and I had an "OMG!" moment when our teacher announced that. It was pretty cool - although she followed that announcement with an amazingly cheesy and boring video.

Ergh. I just realized I haven't written anything on my story for a while. I should probably work on it more...I suppose it's hopeless now to try and finish it before NaNoWriMo starts in November. Oddly enough, I wrote the 'rough draft' of this story for NaNo last year. Wow, how time flies. I'm not sure what I'll be writing for NaNo this year, though - a sequel to last year's novel? A completely new story I haven't even dreamed of yet, much less planned or - if needed - researched? Or an old novel, one I've been meaning to start for years and simply never had a chance? I suppose I should decide that soon; at least try to get a basic idea before November 1st.

Bleh...we had to watch this long video in history about this dull guy talking in a monotone voice about this book he wrote on Thomas Jefferson. *Yawn sigh sleep* I seriously don't know why I signed up for APUSH; I hate history in general, the teacher - while rather interesting at times - has a rather dull voice, I have trouble with remembering dates and names, or figuring out why such-and-such an event is important. And on top of that, I absolutely SUCK at writing essays for various reasons.

Sigh...I should probably be working on those history terms again...


Back to School...

Bleh. Going back to school after a nice, relaxing weekend is never fun. Especially since this past weekend was AMAZING. Some friends and I went to the mall just for fun - tried on really fancy dresses we could never afford, grabbed some pretzels, had some sushi, then went to see Ragtime at the Magic Circle theater. It was AMAZING.

And then school started. Blech. Well, at least I did get some homework done over the weekend, so I'm a bit ahead for this week...

(Speaking of which, I should really get back to doing APUSH homework. Stupid terms...)

Ergh. And people at school have been really pushy recently about certain things. It's...interesting. And slightly annoying, too. In math analysis today, the girl behind me - Jena - asked if I was going to Homecoming with anyone. Of course, I said no - I mean, seriously. Who would I go with? Who would want to go with me?

And what did she say? "Well, is [not going to name him] single?"

Ergh. I hate nosy people. Well, that led to an awkward situtation - he kept glancing at us funny - so Jena just grinned and said "See? The Amazing Jena can fix any problem!"

Yeah. And then creates a billion more.

And of course after school I was tutoring this senior for Probability and Statistics. Somehow we got onto the subject of Homecoming, and she ordered me to go (oh, and she said I had to go to Prom too). So that led to a rather long discussion (in which she essentially threatened that if I didn't go to Homecoming and Prom she'd drag me there herself).

So yeah...I've had an interesting day to say the least.



Okay, yeah. I'm in an EXTREMELY good mood - it's raining!!! I just woke up an hour ago, and - needless to say - I was really surprised when I realized "Oh. My windowsill is wet." and looked up to see rainclouds and wet things everywhere. (Yeah, my poetic mood isn't here yet.) That's definitely put a bright ray of sunlight (or rainlight...if that makes sense?) on my day today. Though, I hope it stops raining a bit later on - some friends and I are planning to go to the mall, then walk somewhere to see a play, and - while walking in the rain is fun - it tends to get annoying when everything you're carrying gets wet.

But still...rain! <3

Ergh. And that just reminded me of a 'river tooth' essay we have to do for English...2-3 pages of description about some memory that stands out in our minds. Ergh...what to write?!


Ranting and A General Breakdown

I'm not even sure how to start this; right now, I'm just so freaking MAD and pissed off at pretty much everyone and everything. As you can probably guess, today was a generally crappy day; while first period (AP Stats) was pretty good - I finished my homework early and was allowed to do whatever I wanted - right after I left AP Biology, I had to face my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.

Yeah. Apparently they're actually going out now. In the end, I literally fled; I just couldn't stand it. Not that I'm not happy for them; I really am, and I'm glad they've found each other and all that. It's just...I don't know. Envy, I guess: envy that after going to our school for all of five weeks, Anastasia was already going out with someone. That probably sounds really petty and pathetic, but it's how I feel: my whole life, no one has ever really loved me, or liked me for who I am. I've always had to change just to get friends, and love's out of the question for me. I guess I'm just not lovable, or whatever...

So that led to a lonely break; I ended up just hiding in my AP English Language and Composition class, because there was no where else to go. Lunch was a so-so affair; I spent my time doing history terms in the library, being ignored by everyone else (joy...). AP US History wasn't worth commenting on; we had a lecture about forms of art between the Revolutionary War and the Civil War in the school's 'lecture hall', and that was pretty much it. Piano lessons afterwards, then home for a bit before heading off to Jordaine's house - she's this nine year old Asian girl I'm tutoring/teaching piano - then back home, and...yeah. That's pretty much it.

Although, the one thing that really worries me is my friend, Tiffany. She's been having a hard time lately, and during AP Bio she had to leave. I don't know what's wrong, really, other than stress from school, but I'm worried about her. I hope she feels better... :[


Random Note/Poem/Thing

Not much to say, really...not such a great day at school, although I did get a 6 (out of 9) on my APUSH essay - apparently, no one scored higher than a 6, so that was a little ray of sunshine for my dismally pathetic day. Other than that, nothing good...

I was listening to my iPod during break, and a random line inspired a shortish random patheticish poem, so here it is? (Maybe that shouldn't be a question mark, but eh. It works.)

Why must it be this way?
Because here's how it is:
See that girl? Yeah, the one you want.
Well, she's everything I'm not.
I don't want to pretend, so this is the end:
Who do you want?

Make your choice, quickly now -
Tell me, will you fix my heart or break it?
But I can't speak, can't ask the question,
You walk away again.
It's the end, no going back;
So long to this lie I've lived.

I loved you, I truly did -
I still do, with these pieces of my broken heart.
But we can't be, I see that now -
So farewell, love; I'm letting you go.
Yeah...random. There were a couple other little random blips (I'll add them to the end of this post), but nothing amazingly noteworthy...By the way, the song that inspired me was Everything I'm Not, by the Veronicas. The people-inspiration? To be honest, I'm not sure - it's a mixture of two people I know. One, my most recent exboyfriend (Brian), and the other, the guy who thinks of me as only a friend, or a younger sister. To add random some detail, the second guy was thinking of asking this other girl from school - someone I don't know too well, because we're completely different - to Homecoming, and he had just asked me if I thought it was a good idea for him to ask. (No, I'm not so selfless as to say 'yeah, of course!' I was pathetic; I just said 'I don't know, come on, are you seriously asking me that? pshaw.' or something like that.)

So yeah. That's the random rantings of my mind for now...


See? There he goes again -
Walking away without a second glance.
How is it that he can't see?
And why won't it go away?


You always said, "Make a life for yourself."
So I've tried - and there you go again,
Leaving me here alone, lost in the twilight
That swiftly fades to black.


A Beginning and Synopsis

Well, I'm really just testing this out for now...a recommendation from a friend, so ta-da, here I am, blogging away.

I guess the best place to start would be the beginning, so here goes:

Hello, I'm Kira (no, not really, but I'm not telling anyone my real name...). I'm sixteen years old (give or take a few months), almost 5'6", and not exactly the most beautiful or perfect person. I've had two boyfriends - more about them in a moment - and never really found a friend I could confide in whole-heartedly. I've never seen a reason for life, and that's often lead to depression and rash decisions that I still don't regret - but again, more on that later.

I have maybe one best friend, a girl I shall call Ember: I've known her since sixth grade, and although we screwed it up a bit at first (long story short, she hung out with the school's 'preps' and I was a bit of a loner; she hated me, I thought she was a bit of a bitch), we became close friends in eighth grade. Next year, she went to a different high school, and I went off to mine with not a friend in sight. Since then, we've kept in contact, but there have been quite a few times when it's nearly died. At the moment, we're in a 'good' state...I hope.

Back in fifth grade, I met Aichou online, and we became amazing friends - to be honest, our friendship saved her from killing herself, then saved me - and through her, I met her boyfriend Ryuu and his younger brother, Loki. I became close friends with Ryuu, but pretty soon Loki and I were pretty much a couple - not really, but we were really close. Unfortunately, it wasn't to last...and two years ago, something horrible happened and Aichou killed herself. Months later, I started going out with this guy at my school - Brian - and that tipped Loki over the edge. He shot himself in the head and died instantly. Ryuu, by some god-sent miracle, never blamed be for the deaths of either his girlfriend or brother, and we maintained our friendship...until he was hit by a car, just a few months ago. To be honest, they were the only people I ever thought I might possibly be able to fully trust, without holding anything back.

Brian and I started going out by accident, to be honest - I accidentally said something, and well...we got together? It was the farthest thing from a 'match made in heaven' - oh hell no. We were rocky from the start, falling apart only to come back together - and although we did have some amazing memories together, he broke it off five months later, just this last May.

Brian was boyfriend number 2 - number 1 was a year or two earlier. I was a freshman back then, thrown into a world I didn't understand, and newly bereft of my best friends - Ember was going to a different school, and Aichou had just died - and, when Jordan (a sophomore) asked me out, I didn't know how to react. So what did the stupid freshman do? YUP. She said 'sure'. I didn't know him that well - I mean, sure, we'd been in band together back in middle school - and I'd only just started hanging out in the same group. Needless to say, a few weeks later - with support from friends - I broke it off with him, telling him the truth about how I felt.

About the depression and rash decisions, I've never been the most 'stable' person. Ever since I've had friends, I've lost that stability and relied on others too much, so whenever something goes wrong, I do whatever I have to in order to feel better. Sometimes, that means cutting; there has been many a moment in my life when I honestly considered killing myself. There isn't anything to live for - yes, I'm smart, but barely more than the average kid. I have no hopes for college, because I've never done a sport or extracurricular activity; I have no leadership experience. And last but not least, I doubt I'll have the money to afford it. There's no hope for me down that path, nor any other - so why should I bother, why should I suffer through it all, just hoping for something that has little to no chance of happening? I asked that of a friend, once - why should I keep living? What do I have to live for? He couldn't answer me.

So there's my life in a nutshell, at least as it is so far...mostly. Here's what I've left out:

Back in seventh grade, a new girl transferred into my class - Anastasia. We were pretty good friends, but at the end of the year she was sent off to a boarding school, and that was the last I saw of her - until now. At the beginning of this year she came back, and is now in my Japanese class - my 'Japanese buddy', as we sometimes joke. We've relit our old friendship, and everything's been going fine...until just last week.

I happened to be walking by the band room with Jordan (yes, my ex-boyfriend...he won't leave me alone, and I'm not sure if he wants to go out again or if he's just being weird), when he said "Oh look, there's Brian, flirting with the new girl again..."

So of course, I looked over - and he was right. There was Brian...my ex-boyfriend...talking with Anastasia. Feeling hurt, I didn't say anything, just walked away - ok...ran away - to avoid the scene. Anastasia saw me, though, and during Japanese later that day she apologized, saying she hadn't wanted to say anything because we were such good friends - I'd already told her what had happened between Brian and I. So I told her it was okay...I didn't care...etc. I lied to her, I'll admit it - it did hurt, that Brian could move on so easily. But mostly, it hurt that Anastasia could find happiness where I hadn't...that she was so happy with him, that he was willing to try to make her happy, and yet I was still all alone. Yes, it was petty; yes, it was selfish. Yes, I was jealous.

Although, I have moved on - I no longer care about Brian the way I used to. The only problem is this...before Brian and I accidentally started going out, I had already liked another guy for almost a year...and throughout our relationship, I had still liked this guy. Even now, I still do - and it sucks like hell. Because he doesn't care about me that way - he likes this other girl, who's so much prettier and smarter than me. I try to brush it off, joke about how he's my 'Oniichan' (older brother, because we've been mistaken as siblings before), and he seems comfortable with that. But I know if I were to try and pursue it further, try to make something out of it, it would all crumble.

I'm not a strong person - I'm weak. Once, I could stand on my own - and then I found friends. And since this discovery of friendship, I've lost my ability to live on my own. I can't stand on my own. Sometimes, I wonder - was it the right choice, to open up and trust others? All it's really brought is pain - yes, there have been good memories, but interlaced through them all is the pain. The pain of being alone, the pain of feeling forgotten, of being left behind when they go out and have fun. The pain of truly being alone, abandoned by those you thought you could trust.

Sometimes, I wish I could go back to how I was before - I wish I could go back to being strong enough to stand on my own, not caring what others thought, able to excel and shine brightly without being distracted by the drama of relationships and the stress of making others like you.