Ah, Whatever.

Okay, so I'm not giving up on my goal just yet...I've just realized that maybe I was a little wrong. Yes, I do have some friends who are really just acquaintances, but I also do have friends who won't let me ditch them...for better or worse. Part of me is grateful for this, even though I'm not too sure whether that bodes ill or good for the future.

Though really, the main reason I'm writing now is because of this guy at school. See, we've been friends for ages (not quite, only two or three years really), and for the past month he's been dating (maybe?) this girl - they went to Homecoming together last weekend. All last week, and for the week or two before that, he'd been almost completely ignoring me and always hanging out with that girl - but now that Homecoming's over, he never hangs out with her. He's gotten really curious about the smallest things and refuses to give up on finding the answers, so he's always asking me questions like "What was that note you and Anh were passing in AP Bio?" or "Where'd you get that necklace?". I've tried asking him what happened, but all he'll tell me is that Homecoming was horrible (except for the dinner - he says that was great), and absolutely nothing happened - or is happening - between him and that girl. It's sort of bugging me now - I mean, before he was pretty much never around, always with her, and now he's always nearby. Before, he'd ditch me at break to talk to her - now, he'll walk with me to class and we'll chat until the bell rings. Before, he'd vanish at lunch to talk to her - now, he's always hanging out with our 'old' group in the library. Before, he'd ignore his other friend and me during math (or any other class) to sit and talk with her - now...well, you get the idea.

It's sort of bugging me - were they really just together for that one dance, or did something happen? I get the feeling it's the latter, because my friend, at least, seemed really into her before, and now it's as if nothing ever happened. A friend of mine was speculating that they didn't think the girl really liked him - that she only agreed to go to be nice; another friend thinks she blew him off during the dance. All I know is something happened, and he won't tell me. It makes me wonder - once upon a time, he trusted me with nearly everything, or at least I thought he did and he claimed he did, and now he can't seem to trust me with this. Were we ever as close friends as we thought we were? If we were, then what happened? Why doesn't he trust me anymore?

...And Giving Up on Pulling it Together

Needless to say, the subject/title says it all: the week or so since I last posted haven't been very good. There isn't much to say, really; everything's just been downhill, and my fingers are torn from trying to cling to the sheer cliff I've fallen off of. Even this past weekend, which was supposed to be uplifting, was dismal. Although I admit I had fun Friday night, watching movies and 'gossiping' with Tiffany and Kristen, there was something missing - and Saturday night/Sunday morning, when we had a family reunion for my grandparents' fiftieth anniversary, what was missing became clear: I didn't belong. Not with Kristen and Tiffany, some of my only friends; not with my cousins, with my aunt and uncles, with my grandparents; not even with my own family. I won't go so far as to say there isn't anywhere that I belong, but I'm sure of one thing: I don't belong here. Once, I found comfort and peace among the friends I have now, but things have changed, and that comfort has turned to pain; that peace has turned into an inner war. I know that as things are now, I cannot just up and leave, find a new place, experiment to find a new niche, but I still cannot help but gaze yearningly towards those years after high school, when I will be free - free to do as I will with my life, to go to college and meet new people, to become who I am and not who others want me to be. My eyes are locked onto that future goal, my heart and soul reaching for that freedom that is just beyond my grasp...and there is naught of me left to cling to what I have now.

This weekend, my loneliness - my solitude and outcastedness - has allowed me to come to these conclusions and more. I have realized many things about myself, about my friends, and about the deeper meanings of the word "friendship" - deeper meanings I have never sought out, meanings I never knew existed, meanings I have never experienced myself. As much as it pains me to think it, I have realized that the friendships I hold now are merely superficial, people I cling to because I fear being alone. I have set a goal for myself now: to face that fear of loneliness and conquer it, to let go of those friends whom I cling to out of solitude and not out of true friendship, and to cast off the chains of those who would seek to make me into who they want me to be.

Having come to this realization, a part of me trembles at the thought of actually completing my goal; while my friends may be that in name alone, I still do not wish to hurt them, and I worry they won't understand why I have chosen what I have. But there is a voice inside me, a flicker of light, that assures me that this is truly the best path, for both myself and for them. I have led them on for long enough - it is time I told them the truth.

I am not a loving person at heart; I merely appear that way out of fear of loneliness. Now, I will take my life into my own hands and cast off that fear.

Maybe then, I can truly shine...

Falling Apart

I can't do this anymore. Things just aren't the same; everything I have relied on, everything I have trusted, everything I have believed and built my life upon - it's all falling apart, changing, leaving me alone and adrift without anything for support.

I've stood alone before - been unsupported, abandoned and alone, unwanted and unneeded, forgotten, ignored. I remember how it feels - remember and fear it. When I came to high school, I came with the full knowledge that I had a close friend who supported me, even if she was far away. And although that friend is still with me, our relationship has grown distant and strained. We still talk - but rarely, and never with the ease we used to have.

Since her, my first true friend, I have had many other close friends...and yet each has always left, abandoned me for someone else. Always I have been cast aside, unwanted, replaced by someone else.

And now, it's happening again: the friend I hold as most previous is being pulled away by another, and I am once again forgotten.

Nothing ever changes...

Hating Life

Ergh...I hate guys. And how they always manage to complicate things. And how oblivious they are. And...I don't know what to say. Things are so confusing, so hectic, so out of control right now. I guess I'll just try to retell it from the beginning.

So I've said how this guy I like has been ignoring me for the past few weeks, right? The only times we've talked, it's been because he needs help on math, or because we're working on a history thing together - always about school, nothing else. Then yesterday, he asked the girl he likes to Homecoming, and after that he completely ignored me for the rest of the day. Well, today we happened to meet up before first period, and I was listening to loud music so I didn't hear him the first few times he said 'Hi'. Finally, he poked me and asked if I was purposefully ignoring him.

I don't know why - ok, I kind of do - but that just set me off; feeling really pissed, I snapped - none too kindly - "At least I'm not ignoring everyone all the time."

Needless to say, that kind of killed the conversation for a while. Nevertheless, he kept shooting me worried looks for the first part of first period, which I ignored, until he finally wrote something on a piece of paper and passed it to me.

I won't copy what we said on there - it's personal, private, and some of the things were rather special... - but basically he said he was sorry and wanted to know what he had to do to make things go back to how they were, to which I said there was no way to return to the past. We argued over that for a while, until finally we got onto the subject of what he'd done that had messed things up. He denied ever letting me down, but I told him to think about it for a while, and guess what his first response was?

"Did you want me to ask you to the dance?"

Oh wow. I swear, my mind froze at that question - I mean, yeah, I really like him, as more than a friend and all - but he's never exactly been too knowledgeable when it comes to noticing things like that (I should know; I've liked him for two whole years, and this is the first I've heard anything suggesting anything more than friendship). Regaining my voice - and my lost mind - I answered, "I know better than to hope for something that will never happen."

I have no clue how he took that, but the conversation died there as the teacher started saying something. (You know, the sort of 'something' that no one really listens to.)

After that, we had to rush off to third period - there wasn't any break between the two - but before I went into my class, he gave me a sort of half-hug and said "Thanks for giving me a second chance."

Wow, was today a day of surprises! I have no clue what I said; all I know is my heart was racing. I stumbled into my classroom, collapsing eagerly into my chair as my knees gave out. And no, I'm not exaggerating; I literally could not stand. I wondered why he'd done that all period, and when class got out, he had another guess as to what he'd done to let me down. This one was a bit more realistic, more along the lines of what I thought he'd guess: he asked if it was because he had been ignoring me for the past week except to talk about math.

Well, duh! Most people - girls especially - hate being ignored. Sometimes, he can be absolutely oblivious, I swear...

He said he'd stop ignoring me and not talk about math anymore (he even caught himself when, two minutes later, he started to ask a question about the previous night's homework), but that didn't last too long; we passed by the group his date hung out with, and he vanished to talk to her.

Not much happened for the rest of the day...although I did have front-row seats in a makeout session between Brian and his new girlfriend. Oh joy.

Seeing that actually really hurt, to be honest. It hurt a lot more than I thought it would; I honestly broke down and started crying. A friend of mine noticed and came over to sit next to me, asking what was wrong, and he started ranting about how Brian was, well, insert-insult-of-choice-here. It was really therapeutic, but it didn't get rid of all the pain; the minute I got home, I swear I broke down and just cried for a half hour straight. I hate being emotional...

Black Hole

Ergh. I really don't want to think about life right now - much less school. But of everything, there is no way in hell I want to think about relationships. Unfortunately, I can't seem to get away from those nasty little problems, so here I am, ranting about how I don't want to think about life, school, or relationships.

To make a long, drawn-out, complicated, and rather confusing story short: the guy I like asked the girl he likes to Homecoming today. And, if I had wanted to, I could have convinced him not to quite easily - he kept asking during first period if I thought he was making the right choice. For crying out loud, WHY THE HELL WAS HE ASKING ME?! Ergh. This probably isn't coming out too clearly, but it works. Anyways, the guy I like asked the girl he likes to Homecoming, and she accepted. All that really means is a) I'm a loser and fail miserably at life (which is sort of a given), b) they're both really happy in that whole love thing, and c) I'm being absolutely ignored 24/7 because, now that he has a girlfriend, he doesn't need a girl friend. (If that doesn't make sense, read it again. Still not make sense? Well, here, I'll explain: He has a girlfriend now, which makes me, his friend who just happens to be a girl, completely null. Void. Useless. Insert whatever word you want here.)

All that essentially adds up to one big ball of I-hate-life.

Oh, and did I mention? Ex-boyfriend number 1 (Jordan) refuses to get the idea that just MAYBE I'd like to be left alone for once. He keeps following me around, EVERYWHERE, and making up all this crap about how he doesn't mind being late to class if it means he gets to hang out with me. And for some stupid reason, he seems to think I'm his 'Best Friend' - what the heck? He doesn't even know anything about me!

Needless to say, I'm fed up with life. It sucks. I'm tired of trying. And for fuck's sake, I'm tired of being the 'last resort', the person everyone else thinks they can turn to when everything else is gone. I'm tired of being forgotten and ignored, then suddenly talked to because someone needs help on math homework, or so-and-so doesn't know if they should ask so-and-so out. I'm tired of being alone. I'm tired of being hurt, of being pushed aside, discarded without a thought when someone else is found who can fill the place I once held better. I'm tired of having no real friends I can talk to and hang out with and just be myself with; I'm tired of having to pretend to be someone I'm not around everyone just because the person I really am is 'unacceptable' to them.

I'm tired of everything. I just want it to end...

Randomness

Wow. To skip any decent intro (because I can't think of one...), apparently my AP Biology class is going to do the same lab as Bella and Edward in Twilight (Stephanie Meyer). You know, the one with white fish blastula and onion cells? Yeah. So a friend and I had an "OMG!" moment when our teacher announced that. It was pretty cool - although she followed that announcement with an amazingly cheesy and boring video.

Ergh. I just realized I haven't written anything on my story for a while. I should probably work on it more...I suppose it's hopeless now to try and finish it before NaNoWriMo starts in November. Oddly enough, I wrote the 'rough draft' of this story for NaNo last year. Wow, how time flies. I'm not sure what I'll be writing for NaNo this year, though - a sequel to last year's novel? A completely new story I haven't even dreamed of yet, much less planned or - if needed - researched? Or an old novel, one I've been meaning to start for years and simply never had a chance? I suppose I should decide that soon; at least try to get a basic idea before November 1st.

Bleh...we had to watch this long video in history about this dull guy talking in a monotone voice about this book he wrote on Thomas Jefferson. *Yawn sigh sleep* I seriously don't know why I signed up for APUSH; I hate history in general, the teacher - while rather interesting at times - has a rather dull voice, I have trouble with remembering dates and names, or figuring out why such-and-such an event is important. And on top of that, I absolutely SUCK at writing essays for various reasons.

Sigh...I should probably be working on those history terms again...

Back to School...

Bleh. Going back to school after a nice, relaxing weekend is never fun. Especially since this past weekend was AMAZING. Some friends and I went to the mall just for fun - tried on really fancy dresses we could never afford, grabbed some pretzels, had some sushi, then went to see Ragtime at the Magic Circle theater. It was AMAZING.

And then school started. Blech. Well, at least I did get some homework done over the weekend, so I'm a bit ahead for this week...

(Speaking of which, I should really get back to doing APUSH homework. Stupid terms...)

Ergh. And people at school have been really pushy recently about certain things. It's...interesting. And slightly annoying, too. In math analysis today, the girl behind me - Jena - asked if I was going to Homecoming with anyone. Of course, I said no - I mean, seriously. Who would I go with? Who would want to go with me?

And what did she say? "Well, is [not going to name him] single?"

Ergh. I hate nosy people. Well, that led to an awkward situtation - he kept glancing at us funny - so Jena just grinned and said "See? The Amazing Jena can fix any problem!"

Yeah. And then creates a billion more.

And of course after school I was tutoring this senior for Probability and Statistics. Somehow we got onto the subject of Homecoming, and she ordered me to go (oh, and she said I had to go to Prom too). So that led to a rather long discussion (in which she essentially threatened that if I didn't go to Homecoming and Prom she'd drag me there herself).

So yeah...I've had an interesting day to say the least.

Rain

Okay, yeah. I'm in an EXTREMELY good mood - it's raining!!! I just woke up an hour ago, and - needless to say - I was really surprised when I realized "Oh. My windowsill is wet." and looked up to see rainclouds and wet things everywhere. (Yeah, my poetic mood isn't here yet.) That's definitely put a bright ray of sunlight (or rainlight...if that makes sense?) on my day today. Though, I hope it stops raining a bit later on - some friends and I are planning to go to the mall, then walk somewhere to see a play, and - while walking in the rain is fun - it tends to get annoying when everything you're carrying gets wet.

But still...rain! <3

Ergh. And that just reminded me of a 'river tooth' essay we have to do for English...2-3 pages of description about some memory that stands out in our minds. Ergh...what to write?!

Ranting and A General Breakdown

I'm not even sure how to start this; right now, I'm just so freaking MAD and pissed off at pretty much everyone and everything. As you can probably guess, today was a generally crappy day; while first period (AP Stats) was pretty good - I finished my homework early and was allowed to do whatever I wanted - right after I left AP Biology, I had to face my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.

Yeah. Apparently they're actually going out now. In the end, I literally fled; I just couldn't stand it. Not that I'm not happy for them; I really am, and I'm glad they've found each other and all that. It's just...I don't know. Envy, I guess: envy that after going to our school for all of five weeks, Anastasia was already going out with someone. That probably sounds really petty and pathetic, but it's how I feel: my whole life, no one has ever really loved me, or liked me for who I am. I've always had to change just to get friends, and love's out of the question for me. I guess I'm just not lovable, or whatever...

So that led to a lonely break; I ended up just hiding in my AP English Language and Composition class, because there was no where else to go. Lunch was a so-so affair; I spent my time doing history terms in the library, being ignored by everyone else (joy...). AP US History wasn't worth commenting on; we had a lecture about forms of art between the Revolutionary War and the Civil War in the school's 'lecture hall', and that was pretty much it. Piano lessons afterwards, then home for a bit before heading off to Jordaine's house - she's this nine year old Asian girl I'm tutoring/teaching piano - then back home, and...yeah. That's pretty much it.

Although, the one thing that really worries me is my friend, Tiffany. She's been having a hard time lately, and during AP Bio she had to leave. I don't know what's wrong, really, other than stress from school, but I'm worried about her. I hope she feels better... :[