Needless to say, the subject/title says it all: the week or so since I last posted haven't been very good. There isn't much to say, really; everything's just been downhill, and my fingers are torn from trying to cling to the sheer cliff I've fallen off of. Even this past weekend, which was supposed to be uplifting, was dismal. Although I admit I had fun Friday night, watching movies and 'gossiping' with Tiffany and Kristen, there was something missing - and Saturday night/Sunday morning, when we had a family reunion for my grandparents' fiftieth anniversary, what was missing became clear: I didn't belong. Not with Kristen and Tiffany, some of my only friends; not with my cousins, with my aunt and uncles, with my grandparents; not even with my own family. I won't go so far as to say there isn't anywhere that I belong, but I'm sure of one thing: I don't belong here. Once, I found comfort and peace among the friends I have now, but things have changed, and that comfort has turned to pain; that peace has turned into an inner war. I know that as things are now, I cannot just up and leave, find a new place, experiment to find a new niche, but I still cannot help but gaze yearningly towards those years after high school, when I will be free - free to do as I will with my life, to go to college and meet new people, to become who I am and not who others want me to be. My eyes are locked onto that future goal, my heart and soul reaching for that freedom that is just beyond my grasp...and there is naught of me left to cling to what I have now.
This weekend, my loneliness - my solitude and outcastedness - has allowed me to come to these conclusions and more. I have realized many things about myself, about my friends, and about the deeper meanings of the word "friendship" - deeper meanings I have never sought out, meanings I never knew existed, meanings I have never experienced myself. As much as it pains me to think it, I have realized that the friendships I hold now are merely superficial, people I cling to because I fear being alone. I have set a goal for myself now: to face that fear of loneliness and conquer it, to let go of those friends whom I cling to out of solitude and not out of true friendship, and to cast off the chains of those who would seek to make me into who they want me to be.
Having come to this realization, a part of me trembles at the thought of actually completing my goal; while my friends may be that in name alone, I still do not wish to hurt them, and I worry they won't understand why I have chosen what I have. But there is a voice inside me, a flicker of light, that assures me that this is truly the best path, for both myself and for them. I have led them on for long enough - it is time I told them the truth.
I am not a loving person at heart; I merely appear that way out of fear of loneliness. Now, I will take my life into my own hands and cast off that fear.
Maybe then, I can truly shine...
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