Curse of Dreams

I don't usually post this early, but I woke up a few hours ago and haven't been able to sleep. I'm tired as heck, the light hurts my eyes, my brain's far from 'awake', and sleep refuses to come. My dreams haunt me, chasing me, and won't let me get a decent rest.

It wasn't always this way: once, my dreams were simplistic. I would be sitting in a tree, watching the sun set, or on a beach watching the ocean, or by a window watching the rain. But over time, people joined me: first Sarah, sitting nearby and chattering, then Anh and Tiffany would be standing nearby talking, then...him. Once he entered my dreams, he never left, and the simplicity was forced into complexity.

While the simple dreams let me sleep and truly rest, they vanished from my mind moments after I woke - but these new complex dreams force my mind to stay awake, burning their vivid details into my memory and refusing to let me forget.

I wish I could forget them.

It's gotten to the point now where I don't mind going to bed early, even if I don't get any sleep, because my dreams are so much happier than reality - in my dreams, he's always there, and in reality he doesn't seem to care. In dreams, I can smile and laugh, and in reality those self-same actions are lies. In dreams...

It's like an Evanescence song I once heard, "Cloud Nine": "I'm not afraid to dream, to sleep, sleep forever." It goes on to say "guess it wasn't real after all, guess it wasn't real all along...In a dream, will you give your love to me? Beg my broken heart to beat, save my life - change my mind." Which is exactly what my dreams have become...an 'alternate reality' I can escape to whenever reality tries to break me - an alternate reality where everything is perfect, and he is always waiting. I know it isn't healthy to look at dreams this way, but it's true: my happiness exists in dreams.

Roller Coaster?

Wow. Yesterday was crap. Today was...well, not amazing - but very close to it. There were two main points that really mattered, so I'll just skip the rest.

Okay: so one, there was a blood drive at school today. I was able to sign up (I'm finally old enough!!), so I donated today...I was waiting like two, close to three hours though O_x missed all of fifth period (Japanese), all of lunch, and part of seventh (Math Analysis). And now I can't bend my elbow because of the bandage stuff, so it was really hard to write the notes in math...but the guy who sits in front of me, who is the most amazing guy ever, was nice and helped with some of it.

Which brings me to point two: said most amazing guy is even more amazing than I can even try to explain. For one, during math he was really helpful...he let me press my hands against his back because I was freezing - the small gym, where they did the drive, was seriously a freezer - and he didn't complain or anything even though his back had to have been getting cold, and he helped me erase some stuff I'd gotten wrong (if I clench my right hand, the place they stuck the needle in really hurts), and he kept glancing back at me to ask if I was okay, if I was warm enough, etc., and he was...well, just the most amazing friend ever. And THEN, as if that wasn't enough...well, actually, the majority of this happened earlier, before I'd given blood. At break, he asked if I was "one of them" and had seen Twilight last night, to which I replied I hadn't and probably wouldn't be seeing it because all my friends were busy, mom didn't want to drive me over if I was going to see it by myself, etc. And he, being the amazing person he is, offered to see it with me! I was stubborn, really, and kept saying it was okay, I didn't want to torture him (he'd been saying the day before in AP Bio that he just flat-out wasn't interested in seeing the movie) but after math, I asked if he had been serious about that offer...he said he had...so now we're going to see it next weekend!

And that pretty much summarizes the main points of my day. So now, I shall go curl up on the couch with a random book, turn the radio up, and hum random songs to myself as I sip a cup of hot chocolate.

Or I would, except I'm about to head out to a write-in and dinner for NaNoWriMo - one of the ML's (Municipal Liaisons) for the Sacramento area is having her birthday today, so we're all heading out to dinner to celebrate - and therefore cannot curl up and read and sip hot chocolate right now. Darn...

Falling Apart yet again

I don't even know where to start, I'm so scattered and stressed right now. I guess the least-stressful thing would be best.

So I mentioned in the last post how a friend recommended asking the guy I like if he wanted to see Twilight, right? Well, I mentioned it to another friend, so she agreed to help me ask...so today during AP Bio she brought up the subject - and he basically said he wasn't interested in seeing the movie at all. So that sorta killed it there: if he's not interested, I'm not going to ask.

Then today, when I got home, my dad was in a really bad mood, so he's been yelling at everyone and generally making everyone tense and on edge. Basically, the situation at home is bad. I can't wait to go off to college, to get the heck out of this house and finally be free from my dad's controlling grasp. I literally can't do anything without his permission; it's suffocating me.

And the one person who could help me feel better, who could help me pull my life together, who could make me feel as if there's still some good reason for living beyond just getting good grades and going to college and getting a job and blah blah blah - the one person who could make all this mean something to me doesn't care.

Torn Between Risk and Safety

So here's how it is: either I risk it all - his friendship and my current circle of friends - on the slim chance that he might like me back, or I play it safe and remain silent.

But god, it's so hard when people are always asking me, "Are you going out with him?" and I'm forced to hold back the despairing sigh and reply "No, we're just friends."

It's so hard when the more intuitive of those people say, "But you wish you were" and I'm forced to either tell the truth and nod, or lie to their face - and to myself.

And god, it freaking sucks when that person then says "You know, I always seem to be the matchmaking fairy godmother. Okay, here's what you do..." and gives me some advice. And why does it suck? Because even though their advice is absolutely wonderful, even though it's completely perfect, it's flawed in one major way: I'm not bold enough to do half of what they say. People always tell me, "Well, just tell him" - can't, I'm a wimp and I don't want to ruin our friendship. They say, "Okay then, see if he'll see a movie/study/go shopping/etc. with you" - again, I can't, because again, I'm a wimp, and I doubt he'd want to do anything with me anyways. Usually their third bit of advice either involves them telling him for me, or some complex and completely unrealistic situation in which he somehow miraculously realizes he loves me to, and blah blah blah - basically your standard Disney story.

One of the only really practical bits of advice I've heard was something a friend brought up yesterday - or rather, two ideas she had.

1 - "Well, see if he'll go to the Winter Ball with you and some of your friends." My only complaint against this is that I'd have to ask, and I'd inevitably screw it up somehow, and my only real argument against it is that most of my friends already have boyfriends...so it would be kind of awkward.

2 - "OH! He should go see Twilight with us!" Again, I'm not about to ask; last time we talked about it, he seemed really reluctant, so I doubt he'd want to go with my friend and I. Unfortunately...

So I'm going to go on being a wimp and saying nothing, playing it safe, even though he keeps telling me that the greatest risk brings the greatest reward (yeah, he actually said that today, although it was about offering my opinion on a history worksheet we were doing), and looking for the for dummies book on love and relationships.

Lost, Confused...

I don't know what to do. How I feel...it's not just a crush, not just a 'like' - it's more than that. It's gotten to the point where I can physically feel my heart leap when he comes into my sight, even if he doesn't say anything, where just hearing his voice makes me feel calm. It's gotten to the point where it hurts to think that something I did might have hurt him, or made him think less of me - and it makes me so happy, almost unbearably happy, to hear him compliment me.

I don't know how much longer I can do this, pretending to feel only friendship, when to call my feelings only friendship would be such an understatement. I don't know how much longer I can handle this, when my heart stutters every time our shoulders accidentally brush. I don't know how much longer I can live like this, when whenever he stands close enough to me for me to be able to feel his warmth, my heart stumbles then races, when his mere presence is a balm to my pain.

And every time he looks at me with that calculating look in his eyes, asking questions and trying to get me to tell him why there's a difference between how I act towards Daniel and how I act towards him, to tell him what it was I told him before that he's forgotten - every time, I long so much to just tell him, to repeat those words I emailed to him two Aprils ago. I want to say something, but I know if I do things will inevitably become awkward again, and this time - this time, I don't know if we'd get past it again.

Last time, he relaxed once I started going out with Brian, because he believed that my feelings for him had become only friendship. And for a long time, I tried to convince myself of that - but I couldn't. Even as I professed my love for Brian, a part of my heart laughed at my lies. I elevated mere friendship to something more in my attempt to forget my feelings for him, but in the end it wasn't enough - because I still...

I still love him.

Dream

There's only one real point to this post, and that's to document this amazing dream I had last night. Just a warning.

It was simple, really - nothing completely abnormal or impossible, just two people on Earth. There was me, and there was a guy - a guy who sometimes wore glasses, sometimes didn't, who sometimes was the most annoying person ever, yet sometimes was the nicest friend, who sometimes seemed cold and heartless, yet sometimes was the softest shoulder to cry on. The dream itself didn't really have a "plot line", to be honest; it was just a few scenes, a few short scenes, that really left an imprint on my memory: our hands would brush, and he would slip his fingers around mine; I would show him something on a calculator, and he would come up behind me to see it, resting his warm hands on my shoulders; I would yawn tiredly, and he would slip his arm around my waist and let me rest my head on his shoulder; he would smile and laugh, and I would have the strongest urge to hug him; he would say goodnight and walk away slowly, and I would wish I had the self-confidence to go after him and give him a hug, a kiss on the cheek perhaps, and whisper goodnight in return.

Simple images, the sort of images one might see on a day to day basis just walking around the campus at school.

And yet, when I woke up this morning, my alarm clock blaring its siren-like wailing, my cheeks were wet with tears at the thought that, as simple as those images were, they would never become reality.

A New Beginning of Sorts

Well, here I go again. The past few days have been a bit enlightening for me (I'll explain in a moment) and they've helped me realize - no, remember - to take a step back and not get too emotionally involved in the world around me. You see, I'm a really emotional person; the slightest thing makes me cry, and sometimes I get the irresistible urge to just blow up, to scream and shout and throw things and just let it all out. And because I'm so emotional, I tend to get too involved in day to day life and forget that there's more to life than just high school.

As for what caused this enlightenment, there are a few reasons - but one stands out above them all, as much for its effect as for its simplicity. Yesterday after school, I had to walk to the county library so I could tutor some people, and a friend was heading there as well so he offered to walk with me.

What we said, what we did, that doesn't matter so much; what sticks in my mind is how I felt. While I wouldn't go so far as to say that it was a once-in-a-lifetime experience, how I felt during those ten or twenty minutes is something I haven't felt in a while. For once, I felt...at peace. Or rather, not at peace, just...I wasn't freaking out about a test, or the tons of homework I had, or how it felt like my life was falling apart. I was just existing, just living and taking life as it came, laughing at his jokes and making a few of my own, chatting about how so-and-so was, how such-and-such a teacher was horrible, just...talking. And it felt good.

I tried explaining this to a friend, but I don't think she understood; maybe this sort of experience is the sort of thing that only a few people really have. So now, sitting at my computer and stressing over the tons of homework I have due tomorrow, I close my eyes and think back to those few minutes, when life was simple and straightforward, when love and hate meant nothing, when all that mattered was that we were alive and could still make bad jokes.

So, although I think I've said this before, I'm going to try just restarting my life and remembering that day. I'll take it as it comes, freak out with friends when we have a test in five minutes, laugh with friends when something good happens, cry with friends when things go wrong, and never let my emotions get tied to my life.

Confused, Lost, and Hurt

I don't know what to do - that's the short and simple version of what I'm going to say. I'm confused, I'm lost, and I have no clue what to do. It hurts, having to wake up every day and force a smile, a laugh - because I know if I don't, he'll worry. It hurts, having to wake up every day and pretend to be just a friend, a 'younger sister' - because I care so much more than that. It hurts, having to wake up every day and know that he'll never care for me the way I care for him - because I know in his eyes I can never be anything but a friend. And it hurts, having to wake up every day and know all this, and yet still smile and laugh - because if I slip up once, everything will come crashing all around me.

I am not a strong person, either physically, mentally, or emotionally - this I know. I will never be the kind of person who can do anything they want to just by wanting to do it, the kind of person who can stand up for what they believe in even when everyone else is against them, the kind of person who can keep going even when they feel like crap. I am the kind of person who can only do things through the aid of others, the kind of person who needs the support of others to stand at all - much less stand strong, the kind of person who collapses and gives in at the first sign of opposition. I am weak, and this I know.

When it feels as if things are not going right, I cannot keep going. When it feels as if my friends are gone, I cannot stand tall. When it feels as if I am alone, I cannot live. It hurts far too much, and I cannot handle the pain.

But what hurts the most is being unable to tell anyone about this. I cannot truly open up to anyone, and tell them how much I really need them, how much I rely on them as my friend, how much I trust them. Instead, I have to go through life living a lie - forcing a smile. Forcing a laugh. Pretending everything's okay. Pretending everything's all right. Hiding away my pain. Hiding away my fears. Lying with a smile, a laugh, to those I have promised truth.

I am a pathetically weak person.

I long to throw off my weaknesses, to stand strong and alone and free without the chains of inability. I wish so much I did not need the support of others. But mostly, I wish so much I did not fear love even as I long for it.

Because really, that is the root of my problems. When I was younger - in elementary school - I was an outcast. A victim, not a leader. A hated child. My parents did not pay attention to me. My only friend betrayed me, stabbed me in the back. My classmates used me for homework help, then called me names, cursed me, lied about me - they spread rumors behind my back, said I was diseased and any who talked to me would be cursed forever.

It did not get much better in middle school. The rumors became scathing nicknames, curse words that unfortunately were similar to my own name; the physical bullying became mental ignorance and unveiled hatred. And yet, as before, there was nothing to do. I gained a friend in eighth grade, true, but the damage had already been done: I had found a cure in physical, self-inflicted pain, and that curse has never left me.

It followed me to high school, where I was yanked away from my one friend and thrown into a new cage of lions. I was alone and friendless yet again, and allowed myself to be taken in by older kids who seemed to know how I felt. Two proclaimed to love me within months - yet I chose to go with the one who had asked first, despite the fact that I harbored some small feelings for the other and truly loved a third - my first real love. It proved to be a choice I would regret forever.

The one I chose was violent, and he often came close to beating me - he would shake me, hit me, threaten me, and all but force himself on me. Although I managed to break up with him within the month, the damage was done - he would never stop pursuing me, while the other boy, the one I had perhaps liked, was going out with another girl, the one I loved was still with his longtime girlfriend, and I was doomed never to find lasting happiness.

Although I did find happiness for five short months this past year, it proved to be yet another lie, and it ended as quickly as it had begun. And yet still, I had not outrun the love I felt for the third boy, the one who became my closest friend, my 'older brother'. To this day, I still love him - yet he does not love me, or even like me. To him, I am just a friend - just his 'younger sister' - and I know that will never change.

Yet no matter how much I try to hate him - or at least like him only as a friend - I cannot. He is nice to me, when my life's story has been one of hatred and insults. He gives me smiles and comfort, where others gave me glares and beatings. He gives me hope, where others gave me despair. He gives me life, where others gave me death. Yet he will never give me the one thing I still need, because I am just a friend.

I know I am not beautiful, or pretty, or cute, or adorable, or even lovable; I know I am not smart, or intelligent, or quick of wit. I know he will never love me.

So why do I keep hoping? Why do I keep hurting myself like this, building up hope when it will only crumble? Why can't I let him go?

He gave me a hope for the future, but now he gives me crushed dreams.

Regrets

In my life, there are very few decisions I regret making; and of those, even fewer did I regret even as I made them. Yet tonight I regret what I did - or rather what I did not do - so much that it hurts my heart. I wish I had had the courage to go after him, to give him a hug and whisper "good night", but I didn't - I merely gave him a weak smile.

You see, a close friend of mine asked me earlier this week if I wanted to see the school play with him. Of course, I said yes - a mutual friend of ours was in it, and I really liked this guy so I enjoyed doing anything with him. So tonight, we saw the play - and it was rather good, although the showing on Thursday was much better - and afterward we gave our friend a hug, congratulated her, and all that. Yet after we made our way through the crowds to the parking lot, it was time for us to part; he said he had to go, and said goodnight. And in that moment, my heart literally clenched: as he walked away, I wanted so much to step forward, to give him a hug, to whisper "goodnight" in return, to do something to show him how I feel...yet I couldn't. I stood there, shivering, as I watched him leave, and I did nothing.

I wish I had stepped forward. I wish I had gone after him. I wish I had not hesitated, that I had moved forward and slipped my arms around him, told him goodnight and wished him sweet dreams.

I regret my inaction, for it made my heart hurt all the more at our parting.

Contemplations

Okay, this is really annoying. I'm writing some stuff for NaNoWriMo (actually, I'm at a write-in at the It's a Grind off East Bidwell) and it's making me contemplate myself and things I've done.

For example:

In the current scene, the main male character (MMC for future reference) is hoping that the Captain of the Guard (CotG) will believe his claims of innocence to a crime that has recently happened, and not just assume he's guilty because his lifelong friend admitted to committing the crime. So right now, the MMC is sitting in a room, waiting for CotG to come and talk to him and hopefully give him some money. And of course, as I'm writing this, the first thing that pops into my head is none other than a scene from yesterday (from my life, not the story). As I mentioned in my last post, yesterday we were allowed to have partners for the multiple choice section of the APUSH exam.

All my friends paired up with other people for the exam, but what hurt the most was that the guy who sits in front of me - someone I consider to be my best friend, someone I look up to and respect, someone I...well, someone who is very important to me, perhaps more important to me than my other friends - but what hurt the most was that he chose to work with someone else, leaving me to work alone. I'll admit, I could have had a partner, one of the others who didn't have anyone to work with, but when I get hurt I get stubborn - it's one of my flaws. So I was stubborn and insisted I was fine on my own, all the while trying not to cry and act like a broken-hearted fool.

And afterwards, he tried to tell me that he had wanted to work with me - that he had been turning around to ask if I wanted to work with him when another friend jumped in and said they should work together - but I didn't listen. I was hurt, and when I'm hurt I tend not to really think about what I was doing; I told him I understood why he had worked with the other friend, that I understood his grade was more important to him than me, that I understood. And all that time, I was crying inside, because it hurt - but that is no excuse for what I did. Rather than listening to him and giving him the benefit of the doubt, I ignored him and assumed that, because it looked like he had wanted to work with the other friend, he did not want to work with me. And, as I sit here writing this scene - in which one of my own characters is having their innocence decided based on the whims of another - I fully realize how selfish my actions were.

While things have settled down - in fact, today we acted as if nothing had happened - I know that doesn't make it okay for me to just ignore what happened. If I could, I would go back in time, tell him that I believed him and it was okay - but I can't. What's done is done, and I can't change the past. Before now, I never really realized how permanent actions and words are - how scarring they can be, even when they're meant in jest. I never stopped to think how much my words might hurt others, how they might scar a friendship permanently, how they might ruin the life of another, even though I've experienced all those things firsthand. I guess I just never stopped to think about it. But now, when it really matters - when I've hurt and insulted my closest friend, and perhaps ruined the only chance we had - now, I can't do anything to fix it.





Oh, and there's a musician here who was playing guitar earlier, but now is playing a little recorder-like thing, and his music sounds just like something from the Shire.

My life is becoming a fantasy story - oh the horror. Oh the fear. Oh the awesomeness. Oh the I don't know what I'm saying.

Confused and Not Loving It

Yeah...I've had an interesting week, to say the least. I don't even know where to start, so I'm just gonna throw things out, bullet-point-style, and hope I get everything right (if not in order):

• Okay. So NaNoWriMo started last Saturday, which was awesome. NaNoWriMo, or National Novel Writing Month, is a creative writing challenge: write 50,000 words in one month. There's a website and everything for it, forums for procrastinating, write-ins where NaNoers meet up to write and procrastinate and drink coffee and whatnot together, word wars - it's awesome.
  
  
• I had a crapload of tests this week: mini-quizzes every day and a chapter test today in Math Analysis, a chapter test in AP Prob and Stats yesterday, a unit exam and in-class essay in AP US History yesterday, and a Spanish test on Wednesday. Needless to say, I'm pretty burnt out, and thank god it's the weekend finally.
  
  
• Freaky-creepy-stalker-rapist-dude won't leave me alone again. I tried telling him earlier this week to leave me alone, but yesterday at lunch he started following me again. I SWEAR, I'M GOING TO FREAKING KILL HIM! I was really emotionally unstable, so I swear I just hid in Mr. Ness's room the whole time and...well, broke down. Annie was nice enough to let me cry on her shoulder and offered to be my emotional support for when I "kick Jordan's ass".
  
  
• As for why I was emotionally unstable...okay, the whole Jordan-problem-thing resurfaced during lunch, which was right after fourth period - and I have AP English fourth period, but to freak us out my history and English teachers decided to switch the periods, so we had AP US History (and the unit exam and essay) fourth period then English sixth period. And, to be nice, the history teacher said we could do the multiple choice part of the exam with a partner...and guess who ended up working alone because all her friends wanted to work with each other: me. That really hurt, because they didn't even say anything about it - they didn't even say 'sorry' or anything, just left me to figure something out. Afterwards, Kevin swore he had been about to turn around and ask if I had wanted to work with him but Daniel had said they should work together, but...I don't know. For some reason, it's really hard to believe him; for the past few weeks, our relationship has been sort of on-again, off-again, and...I'm not sure if we'll ever be as close as we used to be. It's like there's this huge gap between us: before, we had a wide, stable bridge pretty much making the gap non-existant, but now that bridge has completely crumbled, and all we're left with is a rickety rope bridge that sometimes is there, and sometimes isn't. Sometimes, it feels like we're the closest friends ever, like everything's awesome and amazing and perfect, and sometimes it's like I can't even talk to him because I feel like he won't listen. And...I'm scared. Because I thought this whole thing was over, I thought we had gotten past the bumps in our friendship, and now this: I don't want to, but I doubt his honesty. I want to believe he was telling the truth; I want to believe that he really wanted to work with me, and not Daniel...but I can't.

So there's my past week in a rather large nutshell. I'm feeling so, so lost right now, and I don't know where to go; I'm scared, I'm worried, I'm lonely, and I don't know what to do.

I feel honestly, truly alone.