I don't know what to do. How I feel...it's not just a crush, not just a 'like' - it's more than that. It's gotten to the point where I can physically feel my heart leap when he comes into my sight, even if he doesn't say anything, where just hearing his voice makes me feel calm. It's gotten to the point where it hurts to think that something I did might have hurt him, or made him think less of me - and it makes me so happy, almost unbearably happy, to hear him compliment me.
I don't know how much longer I can do this, pretending to feel only friendship, when to call my feelings only friendship would be such an understatement. I don't know how much longer I can handle this, when my heart stutters every time our shoulders accidentally brush. I don't know how much longer I can live like this, when whenever he stands close enough to me for me to be able to feel his warmth, my heart stumbles then races, when his mere presence is a balm to my pain.
And every time he looks at me with that calculating look in his eyes, asking questions and trying to get me to tell him why there's a difference between how I act towards Daniel and how I act towards him, to tell him what it was I told him before that he's forgotten - every time, I long so much to just tell him, to repeat those words I emailed to him two Aprils ago. I want to say something, but I know if I do things will inevitably become awkward again, and this time - this time, I don't know if we'd get past it again.
Last time, he relaxed once I started going out with Brian, because he believed that my feelings for him had become only friendship. And for a long time, I tried to convince myself of that - but I couldn't. Even as I professed my love for Brian, a part of my heart laughed at my lies. I elevated mere friendship to something more in my attempt to forget my feelings for him, but in the end it wasn't enough - because I still...
I still love him.
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