I don't usually post this early, but I woke up a few hours ago and haven't been able to sleep. I'm tired as heck, the light hurts my eyes, my brain's far from 'awake', and sleep refuses to come. My dreams haunt me, chasing me, and won't let me get a decent rest.
It wasn't always this way: once, my dreams were simplistic. I would be sitting in a tree, watching the sun set, or on a beach watching the ocean, or by a window watching the rain. But over time, people joined me: first Sarah, sitting nearby and chattering, then Anh and Tiffany would be standing nearby talking, then...him. Once he entered my dreams, he never left, and the simplicity was forced into complexity.
While the simple dreams let me sleep and truly rest, they vanished from my mind moments after I woke - but these new complex dreams force my mind to stay awake, burning their vivid details into my memory and refusing to let me forget.
I wish I could forget them.
It's gotten to the point now where I don't mind going to bed early, even if I don't get any sleep, because my dreams are so much happier than reality - in my dreams, he's always there, and in reality he doesn't seem to care. In dreams, I can smile and laugh, and in reality those self-same actions are lies. In dreams...
It's like an Evanescence song I once heard, "Cloud Nine": "I'm not afraid to dream, to sleep, sleep forever." It goes on to say "guess it wasn't real after all, guess it wasn't real all along...In a dream, will you give your love to me? Beg my broken heart to beat, save my life - change my mind." Which is exactly what my dreams have become...an 'alternate reality' I can escape to whenever reality tries to break me - an alternate reality where everything is perfect, and he is always waiting. I know it isn't healthy to look at dreams this way, but it's true: my happiness exists in dreams.
No comments:
Post a Comment