Confused.

So last night, I spent the night at Granite Arches - a rock climbing center sort of near me - with some others from my Venturing crew and a few other crews. We were allowed to climb all night or pretty much do whatever we wanted, which was great.

But first, we had to survive a team-building obstacle course that I swear was specifically designed to haunt me. However, a close friend of mine...the guy I like...also went, so before we did the course he promised he'd help me across.

Now, I'm not a very fit person, or very thin for that matter, and I've been told - often- that I weight a lot more than I look...so when we reached a ten foot wall we had to climb over, and my friend knelt down and laced his fingers together to boost me over, it's no surprise that I freaked out and couldn't do it. [He must think I'm so pathetic...I can't get over the wall, and everyone else did just fine...] Finally, I got over, and fell - literally - down the other side. When he got across after me, I was shaking [Gods above, I hate heights] so he gave me a one-armed hug and told me I was doing great. [Oh heck no, I'm failing miserably, but you're just trying to be nice.]

The next challenge after that was climbing up a slide - a tube slide, like you'd see in a playground, the ones that are usually red or yellow for whatever reason - with flippers on your feet. My friend offered to go first, so he could help pull me up, and being the wimp I am I of course accepted his offer. So up he went, easy as could be, and it was my turn...needless to say, I slid down once or twice before getting all the way up. [Gods above, why do I have to be so pathetic...he must hate me...]

After that, most of it was fine...until we got to the rope swing. It had two knots in it - one at the bottom and one at about head-height - and you were supposed to grab it and swing across to a tilted platform about fifteen-twenty feet away.

To save a lot of needless detail, I think I failed that about fifty times, or at least ten. For the most part I just fell off, but one time I missed the platform, somehow hung on, and swung back to where I started...which is where I screwed up majorly. I figured I'd push off of the starting platform to swing back across - my friend thought he'd grab the rope, help me back up, then we could restart.

We both ended up falling over. Or rather, I fell over, he swung gracefully across then back to help others.

Of course, the people who worked there insisted that I keep trying until I got it right, which is why I busted up my knee. On my next try, when I was trying to climb back up onto the starting platform, I made the mistake of stepping on the rope knot - my foot slipped, I banged my left shin and my right knee against the platform's edge, and was given the privilege of sitting out with an ice pack on my knee. Needless to say, I think hurting myself saved me - and everyone else - from the embarrassment of watching me fail a billion more times.

After that was done, we were given pizza and set free to climb. I took a belaying class, so I could belay people up and down the rock faces (basically, I kept the rope holding them up taut so if they fell, I could lower them down slowly instead of having them crash to the ground in an explosion of blood and guts), and belayed my friend and Kaitlyn, the other girl from our crew, but we were all dead tired so we ended up sitting at some of the picnic tables and talking before heading to bed. While we were talking, my friend would usually end up talking to either Daniel, one of the other guys from our troop, or Kaitlyn, so I ended up just staring off into space and listening to their converstation.

Now for the part I left out: whenever we had to move, my friend would always turn to me and ask if I needed help since I'd hurt my knee. Most of the time, I'd just end up holding onto the wall or limping around...but the fact that he offered made me feel really happy. No one else ever offered - they all just assumed I'd figure something out, I suppose - so the fact that of all people, he offered to help me...





It's like he can't make up his mind. One moment he's being the nicest guy ever, seeming to act completely perfect, giving me half-hugs and that warm smile - and the next he's completely ignoring me as if I was never there. I don't get it - I'm confused. Are we friends? Does he want to be more? Or does he want me gone? I'm getting mixed signals and it's throwing me off. I don't know what to do anymore - should I stand close and hug him when he's down, or should I steer clear of him so he doesn't have to suffer from my presence?

I'm confused........