When I thought of the title for this post, I can't help but remember where I first read the word "impasse" - at least, where I first read it and actually remembered reading it: the final chapter in Twilight. At that point (sorry for the spoilers), Bella and Edward have reached a point where neither will back down. Looking up the word on dictionary.com, I find this simple definition: "a position or situation from which there is no escape; deadlock" - which is exactly what we have reached. He doesn't want to move forward, for fear of hurting me, but to move backwards would hurt us both. So, we remain where we are: feelings revealed and on that delicate balance between friendship and something more.
When we last talked about our situation, he asked for some time to think before making his decision; that was Tuesday night. Since then, not a word of our situation has issued from either of us. Based on what he has said, therefore, I would conclude that we are still in that unsure position, our little 'impasse', moving neither forward nor backwards - stuck in limbo, you might say.
However, based on his actions, I would conclude so much differently. As we separate after school, he calls me back with open arms for a final hug goodbye; as we review formulas in math, he sits closer than is necessary, his shoulder pressing against mine in an intimate gesture of comfort; as we sit in the library, reviewing history terms, his hand slides closer to mine - then jerks away as I cast a curious glance in its direction. From his actions, I would assume that he's sure of his decision, and wants to move forward into a more-than-friends relationship.
But he hasn't said anything aloud to confirm that; am I over analyzing his actions? Searching desperately in them for something that isn't there? Maybe he doesn't realize what he's doing - maybe it's just coincidence that our arms brushed, maybe he didn't think when we hugged. Part of me whispers this, late at night - it's nothing, I'm overreacting, he still hasn't decided.
So what am I to do? Demand an answer - why he's acting one way while his words speak another? He'd just reply that he can be hypocritical sometimes, that it isn't a crime, and avoid answering directly. Ignore what he's done - pretend we're still in limbo and he's never done anything to suggest otherwise? Curiosity would kill me; I want to - no, I need to know. Do nothing for now, and wait to see if something more will happen? That path seems safest for now, because inaction - so far as I know, at least - has never hurt or ruined anything.
Or has it?
What if he is trying to hint that yes, he's decided, and is trying to judge what my decision was? By doing nothing, I might give him the wrong idea.
Or am I seeing patterns in chaos?
Maybe it really is nothing. Perhaps I'm overreacting, letting my emotions get out of hand in a desperate attempt to convince myself that, having come this far, things won't fall back to how they were.