Happy Confusion

So, after months - one might even say years - of vaguely hinting, of desperately trying to hide, of despairing that he should ever notice, much less feel the same way, I find out that he already knew. He's known for a while - since August, in fact.

When I heard this during first period today, my first response - well, second (the first being a feeling of dread and emptiness [of course he knew, now he's going to push me away...]) - was to wonder silently why he hadn't done anything. As if he'd read my mind, he answered: he didn't want to hurt me. He wanted to protect me from himself, because he feared that if we were together and had fallen apart, I would view it as betrayal and feel like everyone had abandoned me. And, looking back, that makes perfect sense, because on one level I would have felt that. He had hoped that by acting a bit distant and not encouraging me, by stifling his feelings, I would fall out of love and find someone else - never realizing that every thing he did made me love him more - despite the fact that it hurt him to do so.

Every reason I've offered up for remaining silent - his were the same, and so much more. But he went a step further - with my feelings, he guessed and I never said anything...but with his, he made them clear: "I think I love you".

So there you go, feelings on the table, no turning back now...but neither of us knows where to go from here. Emotion dictates that we get together and have fun - logic reasons we return to how it was and forget this ever happened. So far, neither of us have decided.

Slightly off topic - in light of this entire situation, I've regained my inspiration for poetry. In the past few days I've written a few, so I'll post them here, in order of creation.

Questions [working title - I don't think it fits too well...]
You confuse me with your rapid change of face
You smile and me and laugh, give me a hug,
And then you walk away.

Was it something I did? Something I said?
Am I not good enough? Did I fail?
These words run through my head.

I gave you my heart, for better or worse,
And now it’s not mine to give – it’s yours –
Yet you don’t seem to care.

Am I not enough? Am I truly so horrid?
Or did you hear a rumor from my past?
I trusted you, loved you,
I would have – already have – sacrificed it all,
Just to be with you.

But you don’t even care, do you.

Do You Know How Hard it Is?
Do you know how hard it is?
To stand by your side,
Smiling and laughing like everything’s all right
When inside all I feel is pain –
To grin and tease
Though my eyes are red from crying all night –
To watch from afar and keep the distance
When all I want is to hold your hand, brush the hair from your eyes, hug you when things get tough

Do you know how hard it is?
To watch you try and push so hard,
Reaching for that distant goal, so far away,
Only to crash and fall and push me away –
You must not be weak or show hesitation –
To struggle and suffer, alone in your room –
You can’t tell me what’s wrong, hide it all away –
Stand alone, stand strong, in glorious independence as your heart falters and your will fails

Do you know how hard it is?
To hear from a friend what should have come from you,
Knowing you didn’t tell me because I’m “just a friend”
No more, maybe less, not as close as you claim –
Not worth your trust? You deny it quickly
But even then you tell them more –
I hear it second-hand, a vague rumor
Should I trust it or not? I can’t ask you, you won’t say, I’m not worth your time

Do you know how hard it is?
To be a friend –
Only a friend, no more;
To be your support –
Unable to help, only watch;
To hear the rumors –
Not trusted with the truth, the unworthy one;
To love you as I do –
Knowing you don’t love me back?

I thought you didn’t care,
That you thought me just a friend
(No more, and perhaps less)
And we could never be more than that.
So I hid my feelings away
And swore never to let them be seen
(To lose your friendship – that would be true hell)
Hoping maybe it would fade away.
But with your actions, you led me on,
Built up my hope that maybe, just maybe...
(Could it...? No, it can’t. But still...)
My hopes and feelings refused to sleep.
And just when hope seemed ready to die –
For the flame to flicker out, the light to darken,
(I was ready to fully let go, forget it all)
You turned to me and told me the truth.
Your silence was duly explained,
Your reasoning was sound,
(After all, mine was the same)
But the question still remained:

What are we? Having said what we felt
Are we just friends? Our reasoning says so
(After all, our silence was for protection)
Or are we something more than we used to be?
As I was then, so it seems I am now:
Confused, a bit lost, and not sure where to go
(They say that’s the story of – I won’t say it yet)
So has anything truly changed?
Perhaps I’m hoping for too quick of a change;
Such a revelation takes time to really take effect
(Though curiosity still leaves me hanging)
I yearn to know what will be.


tif said...

nice poems katio!!!!!!!!!!!!!

See i TOLD you it would work out.... and he even has feelings for you as well.... and there probabaly just as strong as yours!!!.... you freak out WAY too much..
best of luck to the both of you....
i knew he would have come around sometime or later... LOL....heheheh

katie said...

IF it works, IF something actually happens, IF he feels it's safe enough...nothing's sure yet; he's still really hesitant, so nothing's really changed.